By Nataly Delcid
I got a whiff of motivation to write this piece after a phone call with my friend. I called her on a Friday night to hang out, but she was hanging out with her other friends. She saw a bunch of newspapers plastered to the wall behind me, and asked me if I was in the newsroom on a Friday night. I said yes (because I was), but I wasn’t working. I was by myself drinking Arizona tea and looking at my snapchat memories from two years ago because I peaked at 15.
Still, her friend yelled “Nerd!” in the background. But she is wrong. I am not a nerd. Trust me, I am actually very cool, sexy, attractive, and fun at parties. Here are reasons I am cool, and not a nerd: 1. I am constantly on edge and on the verge of saying stupid shit. I don’t sleep much because I actively choose to think about what nerd virgin I was in middle school instead. Therefore, I’m barely functioning so I say things like: “fuck marry kill: obtuse, acute, or equilateral.”
2. I will never leave early with a romantic partner. Men aren’t attracted to me.
3. I will listen to your party drama, but never share it. This is true for two reasons. First, I don’t have any friends to share this drama with. Second, I’ll probably forget it because I’m either too sleep-deprived or don’t care enough to remember it.
4. I’ll eat the healthy snacks. Most definitely not because I care about my vitamin and mineral intake, but because I care about the time and effort you put into putting out the hummus spread. This is about you. I love you. Please invite me to your party.
5. I will probably fall down at some point and it will be funny. I have fallen down a staircase and sprained my ankle at a party; I have fallen onto a tray of Taco Bell Nachos at a party and then didn’t get up for 30 minutes; I have passed out on the floor while getting a stick and poke at a party. My point is… I WILL fall at some point, and it will be funny.
Please let me come.