By Natalie Parker:
Having trouble writing your college supplements, particularly those dreadfully boring ones about why each school is right for you? Have no fear—you’re not alone! Approximately 3,000% of high school seniors struggle with this exact same thing. You could ask your friends for advice, but since you’re bizarrely afraid of telling your friends anything about your application process in case they steal your ideas and therefore your future, this will have to do. Here is what you’ve been waiting for: a perfect, easy-to-use “Why school” essay template that’s guaranteed to catch the eye of any admissions officer and get you anywhere you want to go! (1)
When I was little, I used to (insert quirky tale about what you were like as a little weirdo gremlin child). Doing this made me different from my (ordinary/vanilla/human manifestations of white bread) peers. My teachers used to call my actions (disruptive/upsetting/deeply disturbing). Today, I am less (impolite/psychopathic), but I am still just as (curious/unique/devoted to pagan gods). Hence, I am a perfect fit for (name of school/ritualistic cult). Their (literature/livestock slaughtering) program is peerless, and it is a sine qua non for my education, since I plan to have a career in (journalism/writing for TV and movies/blood alchemy). When it comes to extracurriculars, this school is unmatched. Who doesn’t want to join the (debate team/key club/panel of Satan worshippers that control the local weather)? And the environment is so collaborative. I love the thought that I can ask any of my classmates for help with (papers/geometry proofs/well actually geometry proofs are pretty hellish, maybe just write “geometry proofs” down twice).
I know I am not an ordinary applicant. Most (future writers/mathematicians/goat farmers) aren’t interested in this school, because it’s more well known for (insert detail from the title of that one news article that you stopped reading halfway through the first sentence where a single alumnus did something mildly interesting), but honestly, I think this school offers a lot for students like me. Just look at the size of the (English classrooms/math classrooms/demonic temple)! Just saying, the ones at most other schools aren’t that big.
But let’s get real for a second. Ever since I was little, my parents desperately wanted me to go to (Harvard/Stanford/other unattainable school that only accepts prodigies and people that use golden toilets). They worked hard, day and night, to ensure that I would be able to succeed in my classes and therefore have the best possible chance of admission to an institution that pumps out geniuses. Now, after being racked with indecision, I know for sure that I would be happiest if I totally disregarded my parents’ sacrifices and applied here instead. Suck it, mom and dad! I really want to go to a college like this one, one that’s outstanding in (music/the arts/demonic conscription of small children). After all, there’s no better place in the world to learn about (sustainable energy/open-mindedness/how to start the kind of cult where, once people escape, they talk about their traumatic experience in viral TED Talks). Hail Satan!
Good luck with your applications! And remember, if you get in, don’t tell your best friend who got rejected from their top school—that’ll just make them feel guilty, inadequate, and unfit for life on this planet! Similarly, if you get rejected, don’t tell your best friend who did get into their top school—you don’t want to put a damper on their celebration by being the party pooper friend (2)! Be sure to check out our Cover Email Template for People Who Live on Their Mother’s Couch and our Template for the Application for World Dominance. Happy writing!
(1) By using this template, you certify that College Application Help for Lazy and Gullible Teens is not legally or financially liable for any adverse results of use, including, but not limited to: not getting into your dream school, living with your parents after you graduate college, and becoming an official assistant-in-training to the Grim Reaper.
(2) Remember that College Application Help for Lazy and Gullible Teens is not financially or legally responsible for the cost of your future intensive yet unsuccessful therapy. Your mom had other reasons than pure stigma and internalized ableism for preventing you from going to therapy—it’s damn expensive!