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Your Horror-Scope For Today

By Lillian Gren 1. Aquarius You have problems setting boundaries, whether that be speaking with your estranged alcoholic father, or reading Hannigram fanfiction until 3:00 in the morning a day before your AP World History exam. 

You are, indeed, compatible with Leos and Sagittarius, but both of these are also most compatible with the second-worst sign on this list, so I think that says more about your taste in partners than anything else.

Aquarius is ruled by Uranus and Saturn, which means your main paternal figure is an asshole (literally) or an asshole (figuratively). Either way, you should probably get some therapy for those daddy issues.

Your good traits seem to outweigh the bad ones—you’re likely to be a little less racist than the rest of us white folk, and probably wouldn’t leave me stranded doing a group assignment—but being emotionally volatile and aloof means you’re probably going to have trouble making permanent relationships. 

You need constant mental stimuli otherwise you lose interest and this is literally just describing ADHD and you should probably get that checked out. Also, you have a TikTok addiction. 

Apparently your moon is Ganymede, AKA the gay icon we never knew we needed, so I take that to mean you’re always ready with a drink and a good time. If that makes you a mom friend or a party animal is up to you, I guess (spoiler alert: it’s the latter). 

All in all, I’d say you’re a creative spirit; someone who likes to create and put something original into the world, and do so with the inspiration of your crippling childhood trauma and raging undiagnosed mental illnesses.

This one is also my sign. 

Take with that what you will.




  1. Pisces

If you’re a woman, you have let a man say some downright CRIMINAL things to you because he had nice abs and no ring on his finger. If you’re a man, you’ve also let them do this. 

Jumping off of that point, regardless of gender, you are literally everybody else’s doormat, if a doormat thanked you every time you wiped your nasty shoes on it. You prioritize everybody else’s well-being above your own and would run yourself ragged into the ground just so people will like you. 

You have chronic Oldest Child Syndrome and nowhere to put all that emotional damage except your musical talent composing angsty symphonies on your violin. If you think I’m joking, there are, for certain, five people I know who play the violin. All of them are Pisces. ALL OF THEM. 

You throw yourself wholeheartedly into relationships and are determined to make them work, regardless of your expense. If you can find someone who won’t take advantage of you (which is gonna be hard, let’s be honest here), you’d be the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. These would be Virgos and Taurus, which I’d say are good candidates; one of them takes no shit, and the other one will aggressively pump you up until you feel better about yourself. This probably means you’re going to end up dating your best friends, but I’m gonna stay out of that one, I’m not heartless.

You are very much an introvert, and are probably the kind of person to curl up with a cat and a mug of tea and watch the raindrops run down a window pane like you’re in a dramatic music video. You were very ready when the lockdowns started. Almost suspiciously so…

Final diagnosis: You’re way too nice to ever work in customer service, and you probably were the ones making those “Clarity” memes in 2019. 


  1. Aries

You have the mentality of a goose; passionate, angry, and EXTREMELY biased towards committing mass genocide as a solution to all your problems. You were probably that kid who used to bite other people on the playground, pull other kids’ hair, and kick over sandcastles. And y’know what? Good for you, you little freak!

This sign is ruled by Mars (the Roman god of war), and honestly, I can’t think of a better indicator of your general demeanor. You’re incredibly enthusiastic, passionate and determined, which gives you the personality of a summer camp counselor on steroids and the competitive streak of a man looking to win the Running of the Bulls at any and all costs. If any and all costs include throwing your competitors to the wolves I am going to respectfully look the other way. 

All of these trace back to the fact that Aries are known for having a very “act first, think later” mentality, and if you’ve done any of the things listed above pre-meditated I pray to whatever god of your choosing I never meet you in person.

You were that one kid who listened to Avril Lavigne RELIGIOUSLY in Y2K and decided that her Girlfriend music video aesthetic was peak fashion culture.  

You’re very much a solo act; you enjoy solitary activities, but not necessarily being alone. If I had to guess, you either like swimming, rock climbing, or martial arts as your preferred sport. 

You are constantly on the move from one thing to the next, switching personalities faster than Taylor Swift used to switch out boyfriends. 

You are one of the few signs that is more hot-headed than a Scorpio, and I feel like I should delete everything negative I may have put in my drafts of this for fear of repercussions. 

To quote an actual astrology website, “[Aries] like things quick and dirty”, and “kick off the start of spring”, which is probably why everybody I meet and their mother is an Aries; y’all just like to multiply like bunnies and the only thing that’s saved us from Aries taking over the world is the fact that they aren’t pack hunters.

Final words? 

Nothing. I don’t wanna jinx it. 


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