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Zodiac Signs (Part 1)

By Ella Bilu

Aquarius: Feeling sad? Book a plane ticket to New York City and go for a stroll! Who cares about the $723 ticket. Money is temporary, but a $1 pizza slice is forever. As you’re walking through the park, feed some pigeons, act like a model, and take a swim in the reservoir. Good times and good vibes.

Pisces: I don’t know much about Pisces, but Google says they’re artistic. Recently, I’ve been spending my school lunchtime in the ceramics studio and honestly, I find it quite soothing. The muddy feel of wet clay on your hands is so disgusting that you’ll forget all of your problems for a moment. Also, you’ll destroy your clothes so much that you will need to go on a shopping spree to get a new wardrobe.

Aries: Last time I checked, Ares is a Greek god featured in Percy Jackson. Reminisce on your childhood by binge reading the 37 books that are a part of the Percy Jackson collection. On top of some of the great, nostalgic feelings that you will get, you will improve your knowledge on the Greek gods and learn that Aries (the zodiac sign) and Ares (the god of war) are not the same thing.

Taurus: It’s time to cause some havoc. Recently, you’ve been too kind to your classmates, siblings, and even teachers. On your commute home from school, make a quick detour at an animal shelter. Pick out the loudest, most annoying dog you can find and take them home. With your new sidekick, you can harass everyone in your life with this dog that won’t stop yapping. If anyone gets mad at you, ask them, “Do you really want this sweet, fluffy cutiepie to die in a shelter?” No good human would say no.

Gemini: Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Green, Marco Rubio, Rudy Giuliani. What do these four figures all have in common? You may be thinking that they are all Republican politicians, and that is correct, but they are also all geminis! Remember when MTG (Marjorie Taylor Green) said that Jewish people operate secret space lasers? She wasn’t being antisemitic, she was just being a quirky, silly gemini! Geminis, it’s your responsibility as a Gemini to run for political office and make some crazy Gemini decisions.

Cancer: Time to become Wall Street’s next great investment banker! By doing so, you will dedicate 100 hours of your week to slaving away for some random bank named after an old white guy. This job will really help you make your mark on this world, and by that, I mean by doing nothing. If you never leave your office, there’s no time for you to pollute the air or litter on the sidewalk.


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