By Ella Bilu
Leo: Want a 4.0 GPA? Haha, not going to happen, but here are some ways you can get your grades up. First, start flirting with your teachers. Whether they are a 22-year-old woman straight out of Louisiana State University or an 80-year-old man who remembers John F. Kennedy’s assassination, the positive attention will make them like you. Next, start adding ‘big’ words into your vocabulary like honorificabilitudinitatibus and parsimonious. While you may not know the definition of these words, your teachers don’t know the definitions either. Because of this, they will feel you are smart and therefore grade your work as being smart. Finally, wear glasses. The more you look like a nerd, the more you will feel like one. Do all of these things and you may only flunk one class this semester.
Virgo: Finding love is not easy, especially for you. Don’t get too down on yourself though, your future lover is about to enter your life. There are two ways this can go: 1) you meet, fall in love, get married, have four happy children, send them all to Ivy League universities, and die from stress of paying for their colleges or 2) you meet, hook up once, and you leave crying. After hearing these two options, maybe it’s best to focus on yourself. Self love always.
Libra: Midlife crises are totally normal as a teenager! Don’t worry about your graying hair, buying a house before you are 52, or the potential impacts of climate change. Rather, focus on the good things in life to help you get out of your “flop era” and into your “I’m so ready to work for the rest of my life!” era. Reject suburban-white-soccer-mom-who-drives-a-mini-van syndrome.
Scorpio: This week you’ll pick up a book and discover you’re actually illiterate. After spending much of your recent break justifying that spending 12-hours-a-day on Instagram is okay because you’ve “earned it,” words that don’t emit blue light and likely other harmful elements now blur together in your brain. Even The Cat in the Hat is tripping you up! Maybe you and your toddler sibling aren’t too different after all.
Sagitarius: “You can wear my sweatshirt!,” sang Jacob Sartorius, not Jacob Sagitarius. Mr. Sartorius was one of the most iconic child stars of our generation until he dated Millie Bobby Brown and found himself on a steep decline. Despite your parents not enslaving you to the internet when you were between the ages of 8-13, there’s still hope for you to join this world of child stardom. After all, the actors of Riverdale were playing high schoolers well past 25. Just put on some Brandy Melville and start posting!
Capricorn: Take a stroll along the ocean, or a pond, or even your city’s nearest kiddie pool. Breathe in that fresh air, that smell of salty water (or pee depending on where you are), and reflect on your life choices. Open up the meditation app you paid $10 for and relax. Listen to the voices of the app, your head, and the screaming children in the background. Find inner peace.