By Benjamin Epstein
Bring a racket in case a bear challenges you to a game of tennis.
Never speak to a tree unless it speaks to you first. That’s how you get angry wood sprites.
The best kind of plants to eat are the green kind.
Pack an extra pair of socks in case you accidentally grow two new feet.
Make sure your compasses are set to North.
Work on your tennis skills, so you can successfully defeat any bear that tries to beat you at tennis. It’s worth mentioning that all games of tennis that bears play is to the death.
Remember: leaves of three, let them be. Leaves of four, you’re about to be mercilessly attacked by a boar.
Always keep an eye out for Bob Ross.
Any camping trip can be ruined by being a centaur. Make sure you’re not a centaur by eating fifty tons of hay. If you hate it, then you’re not a centaur.
Cover your teeth in chocolate so, if you’re ever starving then you can eat them.
Bring a spare hand in case a bear steals one of yours.
Always carry a toilet with you for the obvious reasons.
If you beat a bear in a game of tennis, then be merciful on them. They would not do the same to you, but we must be more merciful than the bears.
Give compliments to the dirt. That way, it will like you and protect you if you fall.
If you see Bob Ross, put on the ugliest outfit imaginable. That way, he can’t paint you without the painting looking hideous.
Choose a really good victory dance for when you beat a bear in tennis.
Choose a really good running away dance for when a bear beats you in tennis.
There’s nothing that ruins a camping trip more than the mountain you’re climbing on turning out to be a massive slumbering beast. Avoid this by pouring Dayquil on every mountain you see. That will wake up any slumbering beasts.
Be able to distinguish between a fake bear and a real bear. The difference is their understanding of film analysis. Fake bears question why the monkey sequence in 2001: A Space Odyssey is included, whereas real bears understand that it’s important for the film's themes of the relationship between technology, evolution, and violence.
If you’re hiking in the winter, then you don’t need to worry about fake or real bears. Instead, you need to worry about polar bears. Polar bears have a fake end and a real end, with these two equally charged opposites forming a dipole inside the polar bears.
Whenever you go to the bathroom, make sure to scan your surrounding area for the Charmin Bears. They are the most dangerous of bears, because they do not care about tennis. Instead, they will go for the throat. If they bite you, then you will become a Werebear, and every full moon, you will be filled with the sudden urge to wipe the asses of everyone around you. The only way to kill a Charmin Bear is to unleash the first most annoying of bears, The Care Bear. I hate them and they’re stupid smiles so much. I want them to be squashed with a shoe like the little pests that they are. I hope they all fall into a hole and die and never get out. AAAAARGGGHH.
Pack a first aid kit.