30-YEAR-OLD WOMAN EXCITED TO MAKE POOR LIFE DECISIONS DURING FRIEND’S BACHELORETTE PARTY

By Benji Elkins:


Thirty-year-old woman Jessica Simon is excited and prepared to make extremely poor life decisions during her childhood friend’s bachelorette party. After extensive research as to which DJs, songs, alcohols, and drugs will bring her past the point of no return, Jessica can say she is finally ready to have the night of her life that she will regret the morning after. “Well, me and Rachel have been friends forever. Since we were five-years-old and could connect over our mother’s liposuctions we have been inseparable!” Jessica said with smile about the bride-to-be, “I’m just so happy to throw it all down the drain tonight after my 27th shot of Smirnoff.” Meanwhile, the groom-to-be is hosting a bible reading session in the Marriott conference room - open to the public from 5:00 to 8:00.

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