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Are The Football Coaches OK?

By Sarah Parmet Hi! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a cheerleader, which means I go to the games to support our Division 8? 10? 12? football team. No one’s quite sure what division we are, but it’s low enough that people have to ask: “That’s a division?” Even better, half the coaches may be suffering from minor Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE), which makes for some pretty interesting incidents, such as…

1. During the time out in the second quarter, this coach goes up to a player and shoves him as hard as he can. The coach’s face is tomato-red (school spirit, slay) and I can see the spit flying out of his mouth. “Get your head, OUT of your ass!!” he yells. Whether the player succeeded or not is beyond me, considering we lost by about 40 points. (I stopped counting once the other team reached 33). Maybe it’s still up there. Who knows.

2. We’re losing. Again. This one coach has been sitting on the bench, still as a rock, for about half the game. He’s wearing these really expensive-looking headphones, and holding a tablet. Out of nowhere, he rips off his headphones and throws them onto the field. He then roars something about “lousy defense” and hurls his tablet at the water cooler. The tablet bounces on the turf and does not hit the water cooler. Maybe he should stop being so angry and work on his throws instead.

3. Right before we’re about to perform at halftime, two coaches are walking off the field. Well, they’re pushing and shoving each other while walking off the field. I hear “You’re doing it wrong, you mother*****,” and, “I TOLD you that offense strategy would never work you dumb b*tch; f*ck you!” “No, f*ck YOU!” Personally, I’m taking sides with Coach #2. The offense strategy definitely didn’t work.

4. A player gets injured, so they bring him onto a makeshift bench. After he gets his knee checked, the coach comes over. He leans over to the player and puts his hand on his knee. “You ok, baby?” he says in a husky voice. “Uh-uh-yeah,” the football player mumbles. “Good,” he says. Then, thwack! he hits the player on the helmet as hard as he can, which I can imagine is very hard. Yay, brain damage!

5. In the same game, another player gets injured. We’re all trying to figure out what’s happening because he’s been down for at least 5 minutes. We have to take a knee whenever someone gets injured, and I was not looking forward to seeing the imprint of the track on my knee. “WOAH! I CAN SEE THE BONE” A coach yells. Apparently, the player’s ankle bone has snapped. He’s a big guy, so it takes five men to lift him. They then put him on a golf cart and drive off with him, because golf cart = ambulance.

6. Senior Night: Thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack! (One extra hard hit on the head from each of the coaches! CTE times seven = More CTE)!


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