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Bear-Man Charms Nation

By Angeline Wu Robert “Bobby” Burnside (37) has been banned from five local aquariums and three grocery store lobster tanks. When questioned by police he “growled and barked (?), waved his hands around– motions reminiscent of a bear.” 

Teens have adopted the bear diet, which involves consuming raw fish, after watching videos from prawnfluencers like @alphanotbetafish. Videos from Mr. Fish and Co. have been sweeping the nation. We speak now with Mr. Burnside, who has been revered amongst the community as the most devoted follower of the diet. 

It's worth noting that this conversation with Mr. Burnside occurred two weeks before the recent news about his controversial political views.

So, in your words, what is the bear diet? 

Being a man. There is nothing more man than bear. You hunt the fish with your bare palms. You ever try to catch a fish? Super slippery. You need alpha bear man hands. You need to be a bear. 

What originally attracted you to the bear diet? 

Like the murmurs of the wind probably. Just like the rushing of the water as the sunlight hits the stream. 

Oh, like a really specific premonition?

Listen, man. Raw fish? Kinda really just tastes super good. I eat raw honey, raw bees, and raw berries. Man needs no calling to know what feels right.

So you were a fan of the diet before it became, well, a diet.

Yeah. When I was little, you know the ice hole, the fishing hole that all the adults gather around, well, my maw couldn’t keep my grubby little hands out of the hole– the fish just swam towards me!

But you said that you were raised in urban Chicago.


Would you like to comment on your recent encounters with law enforcement? 

Where else am I supposed to catch a fish? A city slicker like me? C’mon now. Be a little smarter. Those grocery stores are practically begging for the lobster to get stolen– no guards or any kind of security.

We are still unsure about much of the trend. We are also unsure if it is a trend. We here at The Milking Cat just wish Mr. Bobert a speedy recovery from the hospital. 


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