By Benji Elkins:
“You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants!” screamed Adam Sandler’s famous 1995 portrayal of the titular main character and man-child Billy Madison, “Everybody my age pees their pants; it’s the coolest!” Though the wise words were said to comfort the ego of young character Ernie and not actually meant to be taken as life advice, some young children have taken it to heart.
Local fifth grader Art Douglas was humiliated to learn that cool kids do not actually pee their pants. “Look,” classic bully Burt Farawell announced, “Art pissed his pants!” However, having had seen the movie Billy Madison only the day before, Art remained calm in the faces of his laughing classmates. “Are you kidding? Only cool kids pee their pants! Everyone cool pees their pants!” The teacher, Mrs. Shaw noted a silence befell the class.
“That’s idiotic.” blurted Farawell. “Are you stupid or something Art? You know who pees their pants? Babies, and nerds, and you. You’re an idiot baby face and you always smell like monkeys” Classmates reported Douglass broke down into tears, humiliated by his failed attempt to defend himself and the brutal onslaught that followed it. Other fifth grader James Eartallo later reported that he was just glad he didn’t announce what he had done in his pants.