FBI Uncovers Russia’s Full Hacking Agenda

By Noah Stern:


In a startling press briefing early this morning, FBI Director Christopher Wray announced that the Bureau’s crack team of cyber-sleuths has successfully uncovered the plans of the now infamous Russian hackers, notorious for their manipulation of the U.S. political sphere since 2016.


The team further concluded that the same unit of hackers has been responsible for every major cyber-attack towards the US. From what the FBI has determined, it is a state-sponsored group of roughly 5 men who all live in one moderately sized apartment in Moscow. They call themselves “отряд хулиганов,” which roughly translates to “The Goon Squad.”


So far, as we have seen extensively covered, these men have hacked into the 2016 presidential election as well as the 2020 democratic primaries. In a brand new twist, the FBI found that the original winner of the Nevada Caucus was actually Vermin Supreme by a margin of 40%, not Bernie Sanders.


Up next on the hackers’ cyber-agenda was reportedly the 2020 census. Their plan was to digitally inflate the population of Arkansas by more than 5 million in order to increase its power in the electoral college. Russia has designated Arkansas as the state in the Union most susceptible to Communist influence. Additionally, The Goon Squad planned to hack every census form of people in mobile homes and change their ownership status of the mobile home to “owned with mortgage.” This would send the mobile home industry into a tailspin. As seemingly no mobile home owner would have ever fully paid off their mortgage, their credit scores would plummet. Once they are unable to buy goods or services on credit, an army of mobile home dwellers would accordingly march on Washington D.C. demanding reparations.


Another more far-reaching objective took the hackers into the private sector. At the request of Vladimir Putin himself, they planned to hack the Association for Library Service to Children. Specifically, they targeted the ALSC’s Newbury Medal Awards for distinguished contribution to American literature for children. In their extensive notes, they detailed their plan to rig the awards in favor of “President Putin’s favorite book” titled No More Naps! A Story for When You’re Wide-Awake and Definitely NOT Tired.

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