By Benjamin Epstein
Fun Facts About Squirrels!
Your average squirrel probably won’t be able to play any Elton John songs very well.
Squirrels don’t know anything about fractal geometry.
I wouldn’t trust a squirrel with a mortgage or a tactical missile.
I’d rather trust Elton John with a tactical missile than a squirrel, but I still wouldn’t trust him all that much. Tactical missiles are hard to operate.
Squirrels have never participated in any war crimes, so good on them for that.
No squirrel has been the president of the United States, mostly because no one will vote for them.
You could call a squirrel a “surgul” and it probably wouldn’t mind. Squirrels are generally pretty chill.
If you called Elton John “Jelton Ohn” then he would probably look at you funny. That means that Elton John is considerably less chill than a squirrel, but I wouldn’t hold it against him.
More squirrels have been outside Elton John's sock drawer than inside Elton John's sock drawer.
I’ve tried to teach squirrels about fractal geometry, but they won’t listen to me.
Your average Elton John probably won’t be able to play squirrel songs very well.
When I asked Elton John what his thoughts on squirrels were, he said “What? How did you get into my house? Piss off, or I will call the coppers on you, yes I will, you filthy bugger! Also, why did you call me Jelton Ohn?”
Fun Facts About Whales!
Not a single whale has been the Australian Prime Minister. But together, we can change that.
If you gave a whale a forklift then he wouldn't be able to use it. This is because whales aren’t forklift certified.
TSA will not allow you to bring more than two whales onto a commercial plane. I’ve learned this the hard way.
If you ever see a whale committing a crime, call the police. It’s illegal for whales to commit crimes in 49 states and also Alaska.
Whales between the ages of 57 and 5 are not allowed to go on amusement park rides.
Fun Facts About Salamanders!
More salamanders have died by natural causes than William Shakespeare.
Salamanders don’t do all that much for the economy.
Salamanders are less likely to be convicted of a crime than someone from Sweden.
If every human being turned into a salamander then there would be a lot more salamanders.
Fun Facts About Turtles!
Turtles hide in their shells when they’re in danger.
If a turtle could talk then it would probably say a lot of very nice things.
There are more than 10 turtles.
Turtles are not allowed to drive cars because their feet are too short to reach the pedals.
If you see a turtle trying to drive a car then please report it to the police.
Turtles aren’t into heavy metal.
Turtles are pretty neat.
Fun Facts About Algae!
Algae produces more than 80% of the world's oxygen.
Algae is really gross.
Algae was responsible for less than 15 OSHA violations in 2017.
If you find algae in a bathroom, then there’s a problem.
Algae tastes like if a strawberry had the black plague.
Smoking algae allows you to be able to smell gravity.
Algae is made up of 70% plants, 20% minerals, 80% dreams, and 34% of the Grinch's armpit hair.
Algae can not be arrested in the state of Oregon.
No algae has ever been convicted of a war crime, but that doesn’t mean they’ve never done any war crimes.
You can marry algae, but there’s really no real reason why.
Algae will someday eat the world.
Angels can’t see algae because god did not create them.
If you took all of the algae in the world and put it on a football field then The Browns would still suck.
Algae does not belong on George Clooney's feet.
Algae does not belong in George Clooney's bathroom.
Algae should not be committing war crimes in George Clooney's bathroom, if you see it doing that then call the police immediately.
Algae has no clue what is going on.
Fun Facts about Flamingos!
Flamingoes contributed nothing to Obama's 2008 presidential campaign.
No flamingo lion has gotten married. So, technically, every flamingo is a bastard.
Not a single flamingo has been circumcised.
According to the National Institute of Science and Animal Science, flamingoes are objectively inferior to albatrosses.
Not a single flamingo has ever said that they love me. However, I’ve told hundreds of flamingos that I love them. This proves that flamingos are far crueler than I.
You can’t play basketball with a flamingo. That’s because they always hog the goddamn ball.
Fun Facts About The Sun!
The sun isn’t classified as bread by the food and health administration because it contains too many calories.
We don’t know if the sun smells bad or not because our noses burn whenever we get close to it.
You can’t buy the sun in a bakery because no one wants to eat it.
The sun is one of the most deadly of all spheres.
If the sun was the size of a house, then the earth would still be the same size, but no one would be around to care.
The sun is responsible for approximately 100% of all deaths on planet earth.
Fun Facts About Jack Nicholson!
Jack Nicholson's head has to be upside down when he eats.
Jack Nicholson uses toxic pufferfish to get high
A single bite from Jack Nicholson contains enough poison to kill at least 600 grown men.
Even after getting his head cut off, Jack Nicholson can live for many weeks.
Jack Nicholson has 14,000 teeth.
Jack Nicholson's tongue weighs about as much as a school bus.
Jack Nicholson has 3 hearts, 9 brains, and blue blood.
Jack Nicholson consumed up to 35,000 ants and termites in a single day.
Jack Nicholson can sense blood from as far as 3 miles away.
Jack Nicholson can survive without oxygen for 10 years.
One kick from Jack Nicholson is strong enough to kill a lion.
Jack Nicholson doesn’t have nipples. Instead, he feeds his young by sweating milk.
Jack Nicholson can survive in pressures six times more intense than the bottom of the ocean.