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It’s Testing Season, and Boy, Do We Have the Offer For You

by Sahasra Nistala

Are you frantically googling “how to SAT” two days before the big test? Do overly complicated calculator policies confuse you beyond comparison? Are you on a budget?

Then Barnaby’s™ Standardized Testmaster Packages are just right for you! Whether you want a perfect 1600 or just need a score that proves you were awake on test day, the specialists at Barnaby’s™ can help you navigate the one experience that you will surely ponder into old, old age. We have a variety of different packages to choose from, so everyone can indulge in the Barnaby’s™ experience their own way.

Just a Little LostPackage

At the low, low, price of $149.99, the Just a Little Lost™ Package consists of a ten-minute consultation call with one of our experts and an “I Give Barnaby’s Five Stars” sleeve for your TI-84. Our experts are equipped to handle any question, such as:

  • What does SAT stand for anyway?

  • Do I really need to bring my ID?

  • How do I psych out the opposition?

For an additional $49.99, your expert will help you curate an SAT mood board and manifest your ideal outcome.

The Professional PrepPackage

Starting at $349.99, The Professional Prep™ Package can be custom-tailored to the score you have in mind. Need a 1500+? Barnaby’s™ tutors will work day and night with you, send you brain-food gift baskets the week before the test, and will hire a group of people to stand outside the testing site and applaud when you emerge at no additional cost!* For an additional $29.99, they will post your beautiful score on their ‘grams.

The UltraPackage

At $999.99, the Ultra™ is our most comprehensive package yet. It includes the perks of all the lower-tier packages and an exclusive subscription to Barnaby’s™ Suite of Services (otherwise known as BS2). This subscription includes access to Barnaby’s™ agents, who will literally take the test for you.** After all, you get what you pay for!

Thank you for considering Barnaby’s™. Make sure to keep an eye out for our 2024 BS2 releases: genetically engineered dogs that have an appetite for nothing but homework! The Lab-report Retriever is coming soon to pet stores near you.

*This option comes with a $249.99 inconvenience fee.

**Void where prohibited.


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