by Sahasra Nistala
Are you frantically googling “how to SAT” two days before the big test? Do overly complicated calculator policies confuse you beyond comparison? Are you on a budget?
Then Barnaby’s™ Standardized Testmaster Packages are just right for you! Whether you want a perfect 1600 or just need a score that proves you were awake on test day, the specialists at Barnaby’s™ can help you navigate the one experience that you will surely ponder into old, old age. We have a variety of different packages to choose from, so everyone can indulge in the Barnaby’s™ experience their own way.
Just a Little Lost™ Package
At the low, low, price of $149.99, the Just a Little Lost™ Package consists of a ten-minute consultation call with one of our experts and an “I Give Barnaby’s Five Stars” sleeve for your TI-84. Our experts are equipped to handle any question, such as:
What does SAT stand for anyway?
Do I really need to bring my ID?
How do I psych out the opposition?
For an additional $49.99, your expert will help you curate an SAT mood board and manifest your ideal outcome.
The Professional Prep™ Package
Starting at $349.99, The Professional Prep™ Package can be custom-tailored to the score you have in mind. Need a 1500+? Barnaby’s™ tutors will work day and night with you, send you brain-food gift baskets the week before the test, and will hire a group of people to stand outside the testing site and applaud when you emerge at no additional cost!* For an additional $29.99, they will post your beautiful score on their ‘grams.
The Ultra™ Package
At $999.99, the Ultra™ is our most comprehensive package yet. It includes the perks of all the lower-tier packages and an exclusive subscription to Barnaby’s™ Suite of Services (otherwise known as BS2). This subscription includes access to Barnaby’s™ agents, who will literally take the test for you.** After all, you get what you pay for!
Thank you for considering Barnaby’s™. Make sure to keep an eye out for our 2024 BS2 releases: genetically engineered dogs that have an appetite for nothing but homework! The Lab-report Retriever is coming soon to pet stores near you.
*This option comes with a $249.99 inconvenience fee.
**Void where prohibited.