top of page

It’s Valentine’s Season, and Boy, Do We Have the Offer For You

By Saharsa Nistala What’s glowin’ up, fam?

As you know, it’s Valentine’s season! And if you’re receiving this mass email from a list you have no clue how to unsubscribe from, that can only mean one thing…you’re UNLUCKY in LOVE! Big L, are we right?

Thankfully, Barnaby’s™, the most W company on this planet, is here to help! Iykyk. Whether you need a date or just want one measly CandyGram so it looks like at least one other person at school cares about you, the specialists at Barnaby’s™ will help you navigate that singular experience that will play in your mind over and over and over again until you become a Boomer yourself. 

We’d also like to take this time to apologize for our recent BS2 releases. As it turns out, the genetically engineered dogs ate more than just homework. We apologize for the inconvenience, and we have rectified the situation with the McDaniel family. May Rory the Guinea Pig rest in peace. His soul continues to live…rent-free inside our heads.  

On that somber note, we pivot to our package offerings:

Literally Clueless™ Package

The Literally Clueless™ Package consists of a singular CandyGram and a box of those weird candy heart things that only Millennials ever really eat but are supes aesthetic. We’ll also throw in a makeover so that people find you simply irresistible, and you can even customize the CandyGram messages to your liking! Here are a few popular examples:

  • You’re SODA-lightful! (We’ll add a drawing of a soda can here)

  • You’re so good-looking, I can’t stop guac-ing at you. (We’ll add a drawing of an avocado here)

  • Are you Barnaby’s™? Because you give vibes. No cap.

How much does it cost? Well, you’ll have to go to our website to find out. 

Too Cool for School™ Package

The Too Cool for School™ Package is all about teaching you how to score some attention on the big 1-4. Our SAT tutors/etiquette experts/people-clearly-not-qualified-to-genetically- engineer-dogs will work day and night with you to turn you into the coolest person on your school campus. Your drip’s gonna be so lit that heads will turn as you strut down the hallway to AP Calc BC. Our guarantee is that people won’t even be able to tell you’re an AP Calc BC student or get all your money back!*

The Ultra™ Package

As we currently have BS2 subscriptions on pause due to recent developments, the Ultra™ 2.0 Package is available to anyone who’s willing to pay our discounted bargain prices. It includes all the perks of all the lower-tier packages—and a flash mob who will walk into your school unannounced** so you can ask that special someone to prom, which is coming up very, very soon! (Follow our Insta, Finsta, and Rinsta pages if you want some sweet deals for prom.) 

Thank you for considering Barnaby’s™. Remember that Valentine’s Day is what you make it, and don’t forget to use the code #BARNABYSLAPS for an extra 20% off! With a little help, you can slay V-Day just as hard as the Lab-Report Retriever slayed little Rory. Pop off!!

*lmao, as if

**Void where prohibited.


bottom of page