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My Encounter with Mike Pence in the Bathroom

By Nataly Delcid My pretentious school sent me to cover a press conference with Mike Pence. I got there early, so I decided to go take a piss before the conference started. I entered the bathroom alone, and when I got out, a 6’4 police officer was standing outside my stall with a gun. I realized then that the FBI had finally pinned me down for the church I broke into and left a Ouija board in, or the time I pissed and threw my underwear in a girl I hated's yard. The officer stayed quiet and did absolutely nothing to assure the seventeen-year-old girl in front of him that he wasn’t going to shoot her. Then, the toilet in the stall beside me flushed, and Mike Pence stepped out. “Hi,” he said. I also said hi, and acted as if I didn’t know who he was because I wanted to humble him. He then washed his hands briefly (less than two renditions of 'Happy Birthday') and walked toward the event center. He sipped on coffee daintily and laughed with people in suits before stepping on stage to shit on war and the CDC. I write this because Pence is a man whom America either sees as a brave hero or the devil himself. I see him as a tender man who pees softly and enjoys warm coffee, and I want more Americans to appreciate the soft girl side of him that Trump overshadows. In reality, Pence is the kind of man who probably enjoys foreplay and long walks on the beach, and I think if we all see him in this light, gas prices would go down.


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