By Sarah Parmet Batman: This ride is shorter than my attention span. Scream: I didn’t even scream on this one. Also, who wants to see the parking lot when they’re upside down? Goliath: Yeah, the drop is 255 feet or whatever. But what roller coaster stops in the middle of the ride? Do you think Goliath stopped in the middle of trying to kick David’s ass? Was he like “Oh, almost ripped out his intestines. Time for a pee break!”? No! So the rollercoaster has no excuse! Classic Revolution: If this was a revolution, it would get quelled by the government before it even started. West Coast Racers: Nothing about race car driving screams West Coast...isn’t that why Indiana exists? Full Throttle: An hour-long wait time for a forty-second ride? Really? Riddler's Revenge: First of all, there’s a reason you ride roller coasters sitting down. WE ALREADY HAVE TO WALK AROUND THE PARK. WHY ARE YOU MAKING US STAND? HAVE YOU SEEN AMERICANS? Second of all, I heard if you’re male, this one can be quite uncomfortable around the....you know. Also, what is a riddler anyway? Apocalypse: This wooden coaster is supposedly your getaway when the world ends, but I’m more likely to get torched to death because some impulsive teen sets fire to it, rather than actually escape. Wonder Woman Flight of Courage:
Flight of Courage? More like Flight of Plunge to Your Death and Die Alone because Rocky Mountain Construction thought it was a good idea to make it a single coaster. Viper: At least the name was an accurate description of what the ride would be: painful, slithering, and a total snake. Like, it was able to trick me into thinking riding it would be fun. I blacked out on the double loop. Twisted Colossus: The actual ride is AMAZING. The 80-degree, 128-foot drop at the beginning starts it off, and the air time is insane. But, what is a twisted colossus? Tatsu: First of all, I would die for Tatsu. I would give my firstborn child to Tatsu. I would pay Tatsu’s California taxes. But, I’m sorry. If we’re at “Samurai Summit”, why is the music vaguely Chinese? Let me explain. We just rode Tatsu, and we’re exiting the ride. All of a sudden, we hear this very stereotypical, oriental flute music. I was with three other friends at the time, also Asian. Our conversation went something like this: Friend #1: Does anyone else feel like this is kind of..... racist? Friend #2: Yes. Friend #3: Yes
General note for all the coasters: Can someone tell the middle schoolers who were on their end-of-year trip that there is a difference between public and private spaces? I do not want to see the gum you spit out on the landing pad, and I do not want to hear you moan while we’re going up the lift hill. Thank you.