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Serial Killer Declared By Jury to be “So Dark Academia Core”

By Elsa Boehm “He’s just so aesthetic,” declares judge Kristen Guggenheim as she walked out of the courtroom last Saturday. In this landmark decision, a man put on trial for murder was sentenced by a jury to a mere “two years of service in Pinterest edits.” Despite the mountainloads of evidence against him, the jury is sympathetic to his cause. Kristen even said, “If I had been that gorgeous, I would’ve murdered someone too. It must be so difficult existing in the world as a beautiful intellectual.” 

Dave, who watched Call Me By Your Name three times during an era where it “was, like, totally indie,” knew what he would decide as soon as he saw that trademark grin of the accused on his Tinder feed. “I immediately thought, that is the most gorgeous mugshot I’ve ever seen. He’s my dream man,” says Dave. “I just don’t know how someone could’ve been so heartless to accuse him in the first place.”

Prosecutors stand by their decision to charge the serial killer with 20 counts of first-degree murder. “I mean, I knew he was, like, really hot,” says prosecutor Bob Bobberton, “and he did literally google 'how to bury a body so it looks tragic and mysterious.'”

The public wasn’t having it. “I mean, they said he murdered someone in his personal library. That’s so Dead Poets Society,” said one respondent, speaking on conditions of anonymity. Reporters note there has now been a movement to counter-sue the prosecutors for “obstructing the beauty of justice," and the situation is continuing to develop rapidly.


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