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Student residence in the modern age

By Amelia Ell


Some say there are two sides to every coin. But that’s not true. One time I found one and I just kept turning it over and over and it still just had one side all the way round. Some say it is called a marble. But I call it a revolution. It proves that “some say” a lot of things and those things aren’t always true. But if there’s one thing you can count on, “some” know what they’re talking about when it comes to university and college dorms.


I suppose it makes sense that I found another so-called marble today because everyone seems to be losing theirs over all this residence nonsense. Lucky for you, I put together a little selection of the top residences that will give you that classic college experience:


Caf Hall Residence

Pros:

  • Room for a mini fridge

  • Conveniently located next to a mall, Starbucks, and gym

Cons:

  • No room for a functioning human being

  • Inconveniently located 57 minutes rollerskating from campus (estimated 56 with rollerblades)

  • Washroom shared by 25 630 students from your floor and the surrounding municipal area

Additional Notes:

  • Available in singles, doubles, and septuples* (*three sets of bunk beds and one person in the closet)


Sir Augustus Charles Dinkle Building

Pros:

  • Gorgeous spiral staircase

  • Beautiful historic building

  • Electricity from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.

Cons:

  • No heating

  • No air conditioning

  • No wifi

  • No electricity from 7:01 a.m. to 4:59 a.m.

Additional Notes:

  • Ask student helpdesk for key to running water


Apartment Studio Suite Community 2.0

Pros:

  • Neighbors are friendly

  • Neighbors complement your home deco

  • Neighbors bake you food

Cons:

  • Neighbors won’t leave you alone


Big Uncle Residence

Pros:

  • Implicit understanding not to use the communal fridge

  • Music practice studio

Cons:

  • Music practice studio (depending on your floormates)

  • Stall doors “lock” in the bathroom

  • Someone’s alarm sounds like your high school transition bell

  • Walls are sound-proof but not smell-proof

Additional Notes:

  • Please be respectful: all functioning elevators have a phobia of human beings



Undergrad Association Hall

Pros:

  • Free laundry facilities

  • Free bus pass

  • Free access to sports equipment

  • Meal plan absolutely FREE

Cons:

  • $120 000 per term

Additional Notes:

  • Mandatory lease length: the rest of your life and that of your first-born child


Dryman Hall:

Pros:

  • About 10 minutes from downtown

Cons:

  • 10 minutes of swimming, that is

Additional Notes:

  • Surrounded by impenetrable moat

  • Substance-free except for Tuesdays

  • Tuesdays are totally jumping


Grave Hall

Pros:

  • Separate shower stalls AND separate shower drains (you don’t realize how much of a pro it is until you experience the alternative)

  • Not where the school mascot hangs out

Cons:

  • Infestation of cockroaches resurrected from the Jurassic era

  • Built-in whistling noise from the vents that bleep out your curse words

  • Home to the campus ghost who steals your Cheez It crackers in the dead of night

  • A tradition of sacrificial rituals involving cheap grocery store meat in the communal kitchen

Additional Notes:

  • Trivia and casual game night on Saturday evenings

  • Trivia and being casual strictly forbidden on weekdays


101 Pickle Pott Street:

Pros:

  • Tight-knit family-like community

  • Shared kitchen AND pet fish named Oswald II

Cons:

  • Do your chores

  • Clean your room

  • Walk the dog

  • Eat your vegetables

Additional Notes:

  • Oswald I memorial garden closed for winter maintenance

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