By Amelia Ell
Some say there are two sides to every coin. But that’s not true. One time I found one and I just kept turning it over and over and it still just had one side all the way round. Some say it is called a marble. But I call it a revolution. It proves that “some say” a lot of things and those things aren’t always true. But if there’s one thing you can count on, “some” know what they’re talking about when it comes to university and college dorms.
I suppose it makes sense that I found another so-called marble today because everyone seems to be losing theirs over all this residence nonsense. Lucky for you, I put together a little selection of the top residences that will give you that classic college experience:
Caf Hall Residence
Pros:
Room for a mini fridge
Conveniently located next to a mall, Starbucks, and gym
Cons:
No room for a functioning human being
Inconveniently located 57 minutes rollerskating from campus (estimated 56 with rollerblades)
Washroom shared by 25 630 students from your floor and the surrounding municipal area
Additional Notes:
Available in singles, doubles, and septuples* (*three sets of bunk beds and one person in the closet)
Sir Augustus Charles Dinkle Building
Pros:
Gorgeous spiral staircase
Beautiful historic building
Electricity from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
Cons:
No heating
No air conditioning
No wifi
No electricity from 7:01 a.m. to 4:59 a.m.
Additional Notes:
Ask student helpdesk for key to running water
Apartment Studio Suite Community 2.0
Pros:
Neighbors are friendly
Neighbors complement your home deco
Neighbors bake you food
Cons:
Neighbors won’t leave you alone
Big Uncle Residence
Pros:
Implicit understanding not to use the communal fridge
Music practice studio
Cons:
Music practice studio (depending on your floormates)
Stall doors “lock” in the bathroom
Someone’s alarm sounds like your high school transition bell
Walls are sound-proof but not smell-proof
Additional Notes:
Please be respectful: all functioning elevators have a phobia of human beings
Undergrad Association Hall
Pros:
Free laundry facilities
Free bus pass
Free access to sports equipment
Meal plan absolutely FREE
Cons:
$120 000 per term
Additional Notes:
Mandatory lease length: the rest of your life and that of your first-born child
Dryman Hall:
Pros:
About 10 minutes from downtown
Cons:
10 minutes of swimming, that is
Additional Notes:
Surrounded by impenetrable moat
Substance-free except for Tuesdays
Tuesdays are totally jumping
Grave Hall
Pros:
Separate shower stalls AND separate shower drains (you don’t realize how much of a pro it is until you experience the alternative)
Not where the school mascot hangs out
Cons:
Infestation of cockroaches resurrected from the Jurassic era
Built-in whistling noise from the vents that bleep out your curse words
Home to the campus ghost who steals your Cheez It crackers in the dead of night
A tradition of sacrificial rituals involving cheap grocery store meat in the communal kitchen
Additional Notes:
Trivia and casual game night on Saturday evenings
Trivia and being casual strictly forbidden on weekdays
101 Pickle Pott Street:
Pros:
Tight-knit family-like community
Shared kitchen AND pet fish named Oswald II
Cons:
Do your chores
Clean your room
Walk the dog
Eat your vegetables
Additional Notes:
Oswald I memorial garden closed for winter maintenance