By Sarah Parmet
“Bitch I’m a Baddie I get what I want….” the music video from Bronx-based rapper Ice Spice’s 2022 breakout hit, “Munch," plays on the projector. Desks are toppled over, papers are torn to shreds, and a metallic stench reeks from the polyester carpet.
A group of students in third-period AP Calculus at the prestigious St. Catherine’s prep school reportedly dismembered their math teacher after he admitted he was not a fan of rapper Ice Spice.
St. Catherine’s school boasts the children of America’s elites, and tuition costs $90,000 annually. The $1.4 billion endowment funded a state-of-the-art gymnasium, a 600-seat auditorium, and a race car track.
Elaine, 18, editor-in-chief of St. Catherine’s newspaper, The Opal, greeted me at the door and apologized for the “horrible smell” in the room. She’s joined by John, 18, Elaine, 18, Mia, 16, and Kevin, 17.
“It was towards the end of class, and we were doing u-substitution practice problems. Mia asked Mr. Jackson if he liked Ice Spice, and he said he thought her music was trash,” Kevin replied.
Stunned and outraged, Kevin and John (linebacker committed to a D1 football team) held him down while Elaine and Mia got to work.
“I’m like, on the fencing team, so like, I was pretty confident I’d be good at cutting off his arms,” Mia told us. “I’m like, nationally ranked.”
They started with the right arm first, then the left arm, the left leg, and finished off with the right leg.
“We went in order of the quadrants on the unit circle,” Elaine explained. “You know, since it’s math class. St. Catherine’s teaches us that education doesn’t just exist to be applied in a classroom, but hands-on as well. I mean, this was sort of both, but I think it still works. It’ll make for a fantastic college essay.”
“I know we’ll go to jail for this. But, I try to look on the positive side of things,” Kevin said. “I’ve always wanted to be a surgeon, and this just really proved to me how much I enjoy the practice.”
“Collaboration,” Elaine agreed. “Another St. Catherine’s value.”
Following the event, John, Kevin, and Elaine have been expelled, and are awaiting their trial. Mia, however, will be taking a “gap year” to “search for her true purpose in life." She also happens to be the daughter of tech mogul Damien Yoon, but that is a mere coincidence.