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Things I Think I'd Be Good At

By Ben Folger


Things I Think I’d be Good at

By Ben Fogler


Being a motivational speaker:

I think I would slay, eat, and serve as a motivational speaker. I’d do some reverse psychology, like, “You know what? You can’t do it, and you never will be able to.” And then I’d come back a week later like, “Or at least, you can’t if you never try.” And I’d light a spark in people. I would change lives.

My one flaw would probably be that I’d try a little too hard to not be cliche, and my metaphors wouldn’t really click with anyone as a result. I can see myself at a corporate event, saying something like, “You know, the other day I was making a bagel. And when I finished spreading the cream cheese, I paused to lick the knife. As I tasted the cream cheese, I felt the blade of the knife cut my tongue. It hurt, and when I pulled the knife out, I tasted blood. Such a powerful taste -- so, oh, what’s the word…bloody? Yes, that’s it. But I realized something: every time I lick cream cheese off a knife, I run the risk of cutting myself. But that’s a risk I choose to take, if I want to enjoy cream cheese. No risk, no reward. Thank you.”


Getting famous on social media:

I don’t have any social medias, so I have no experience with this. However, I have a few gimmicks, which I’m pretty sure is how you go viral online. One idea I have is to do thirst-trap style Tik Tok dances to showtunes, ballads, and really sad songs. I know people don’t really hit the woah anymore, but that’s what I’d do. I’d hit the woah to “Waving Through a Window” from Dear Evan Hansen, or something. Who needs sped up reverb versions of every pop song when you have “My Heart Will Go On?” No thanks Ice Spice, I’ll be popping and locking to Adele.


Faking my own death:

It just doesn’t seem that hard.


Lip-Syncing:

I don’t just mean mouthing the words to a song to give the illusion that you’re actually singing (which, let’s be real, everyone except Mariah Carey can do pretty well). I mean a performance. Think Lip Sync For Your Life on Drag Race, or those Lip Sync Battles that celebrities do. Remember that one that the cast of Stranger Things did, and they had these little bits where the hosts got stuck in the Upside Down, and a very budget demogorgon followed them around? Look it up, it’s pretty wacky.

Anyway, I really do think I’d be very good at Lip-Syncing. I’ve previously made it known that I can death drop, and I can also deliver some very emotional facial expressions. I guess you could say I’m the Edith Piaf of my generation. Seriously, I think I’ve got a career here.


Surviving a zombie apocalypse:

I’m a sucker for zombie shows -- my favorite piece of television ever is The Walking Dead, which is very shocking and confusing to a lot of people because I guess I just don’t give off those vibes. I LOVE zombie stuff, and I’ve absorbed a lot of knowledge in my time as an undead enthusiast. For example, almost every zombie drama likes to push the idea that “it’s not the zombies you have to be afraid of in the end, but other people. Get it? It’s a commentary on human nature and the fact that we’re all still just animals who will do terrible things to each other when we’re desperate. Like Lord of the Flies, but zombie stuff has machine guns and usually there’s at least one woman. Lord of the Flies is a real sausage fest. Hey, let’s have that conversation. So yeah, I think while other people would be like, “hey, let’s team up, we’re stronger together,” I’d be like, “NOPE!” And run off into the woods, never to be seen again.


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