By Rose Aune
To the teenybopper who no doubt stumbled upon this generous offer,
I want you to know: I saw that inappropriately short skirt you wore last week, and I’ve seen you hold hands with that do-nothing you’re dating in public. But I can help. Throughout my life I have managed to become an expert on every subject, both medical and otherwise. And, though women and girls alike across the world would pay thousands of dollars for my services, I am giving them to you for free. I will make VERY subtle comments to tell you that I think you need to go on a diet, like “My niece has a dress like that, but she’s much slimmer than you” or “If you want, honey, I can share my diet plan with you.” And, in regards to that asthma thing you think you have, I know that it’s just a cleverly-crafted excuse that you and the millions of others around the world who suffer from it crafted to get out of physical activity. And don’t get me started on your diet! That whole vegetarian fad you participate in? When I was young, we were just happy to have dinner in front of us, nevermind what it was. Children are not entitled to choosing their own food. By children, I mean those under the age of twenty-five, of course, or those who are unmarried. Now, I know that we’re not closely related, but if you just take advantage of the pillar of virtue and knowledge that I am, you could tell me anything. Only fifteen or so of your family members will hear about it. Just another great part of my services. Now, about that boyfriend of yours-I saw him order a latte! No respectable man drinks lattes. And why does his hair flip up like that? I could find you a kind boy at my church if you just gave up on this idea of dating for attraction and took my advice for your life. In my day, we trusted our elders to find us boyfriends, and we rode on dinosaurs to our heavily chaperoned dates. With your short generation Z attention span, you have probably stopped reading by now, already completely convinced that I am what your life needs. I know that there is no possible way you could ever pay me back for my advice, and that’s alright. I look forward to dispensing more expert advice at your next family function.
Sincerely,
Your distantly related female relative/family friend