By Sahasra Nistala
Spoiler alert: the zombies win.
There are seven of us, listed below:
Brie
Feta
Camembert
Gruyere
Havarti
Raclette
In the interest of fairness, I will also assume a cheese-based pseudonym: Mozzarella.
We’d probably have a pretty good chance at surviving a zombie apocalypse. Each of us plays a sport, half of us are karate black belts, and all of us are über-geniuses who can come up with cool attack formations on the spot. We’re also super popular, so in the event of a sudden-onset apocalypse, everyone would look to us for guidance.
Yeah, no.
Let’s say it’s mid-May and we’re taking an AP test when an interdimensional portal opens, automatically transporting all the adults to the zombie dimension and bringing the zombies to ours. Everyone runs out of the gym, screaming. I’m about to join them when I suddenly remember that, according to the College Board, our AP test scores could actually get canceled: “We may cancel your scores if we determine, in our sole discretion, that any testing irregularity occurred…such problems include…evidence of possible pre-knowledge of secure AP Exam content, and disruptions of testing administrations caused by events such as natural disasters, epidemics, wars, riots, civil disturbances, or other emergencies.”
Seeing as this situation probably counts as a natural disaster, epidemic, and riot all in one, there’s no hope left for that five on APUSH. I cry my way to the parking lot, where I see my friends squished inside Raclette’s car, all crying for the same reason. Perhaps a different one, but I can’t be sure.
After the tears subside, Brie brings up the topic of survival. Havarti suggests that we take shelter inside a nearby building, Gruyere wants to go to a grocery store to get supplies, and Camembert wants to wander the streets pranking zombies. After a spirited debate, we decide to raid Costco. Before we leave, Brie puts the big robot from Robotics in the trunk.
On the drive there, Brie and Gruyere program the robot to fight zombies. Havarti and Feta work on a machine-learning model that can translate zombie speak, because Feta inexplicably likes to tinker with AI and debugging code is the only activity that can calm Havarti right now. I contribute to the team effort by writing a humor piece—perhaps I can read it to the zombies using the zombie-translator, and we’ll all have a good laugh. Camembert explains her theory that we should allow ourselves to get zombified, as that’s our only chance of survival.
“Survival? Zombies are dead, Camembert,” says Raclette, gripping the steering wheel with the intensity of a harried mother with an annoying child in the backseat.
“Exactly,” says Camembert.
When we arrive at Costco, we’re not surprised to find that it’s overrun by zombies.
“This is too much to handle!” cries Gruyere. “I told you we should have taken a road trip to the cheese caves.”
Brie raises an eyebrow. “Cheese caves?”
“Where do you think the federal government keeps its 1.4 billion pound cheese stockpile?”
“Half of it’s probably at my house,” says Feta. “I love cheese.”
“I’ve never had cheese before,” Camembert says. “I wonder what it tastes like.”
“What? How have you never had cheese?” yells Havarti, and we descend into a full-blown argument.
Suddenly, we realize that the zombies are closing in. Gruyere fits the robot with a punching arm, and Brie flies into action, driving the robot into hordes of the unsuspecting beasts. Raclette goes melee, punching the zombies with her bare fists, while Feta uses a peppermint-striped Costco umbrella as a sword. Havarti chucks her copy of Eric Foner’s Give Me Liberty at a zombie, effectively knocking it out. I gape at my friends and uselessly wave my College Board-approved #2 Ticonderoga at a zombie that’s just sitting there.
“Wait,” says Brie, and we all pause. “Where’s Camembert?”
Even the zombies seem to stop as we look around, wondering where she could have disappeared to.
“Up here!” Camembert yells, and we look up to see her standing on the roof. “The view is great!”
Suddenly, a zombie materializes from behind her. And it looks hungry.
To be continued…