11 results found for "arianna"
- The Pros and Cons of Being a Country Club Lifeguard
By Arianna White: Pros: As a lifeguard, you basically get paid to sit around and do nothing.
- Jack and Jill Go Up the Hill
By Ariana White: Jack and Jill go up the hill Smoking high off their asses. Eyes bloodshot and lucid not They both skipped all their classes. Jack said, “Jill, you feel it yet?” When Jill started to stumble. Jill said, “Huh? No nothing yet But why am I seeing double?” Jack was hungry. Jill was thirsty. Both were tripping balls. But overall they did not fall. That day they won’t recall.
- A Yelp Review of TGI Fridays By Someone Who Has Never Been To a TGI Fridays
By Ariana White: Um so I’ve never been to TGI Fridays but… I never been to a TGI Fridays nor have I had their food but just the aura and the concept of it is quite awful. Even from a distance, TGI Fridays gives me the chills. I can only imagine that the floors are speckled if not littered with crumbs and are constantly sticky. I would imagine their food not only causes high blood pressure and an increased sense of self-loathing, but is probably bland and uninspiring. I’ve also pondered TGI Fridays’ purpose and role in life, and the sheer irrelevancy of the restaurant, if we can even call it that, makes me wonder if it’s simply a glitch in the simulation. Sometimes I even feel a strong urge to set a TGI Fridays on fire. For no reason, just… instinct. And sometimes when I pass by a TGI Fridays as I am speeding down the highway on my way to work I think “wow...no”. This being said I do enjoy a good visit to Red Lobster. Their food is simply unmatched and, unlike TGI Fridays, I at least enjoy myself while having my arteries clogged. Who works at a TGI Fridays willingly? Is it fun working there? Is it like every day is Friday, a day of relaxation and anticipation for the weekend? That seems a little unlikely. I’d expect the opposite really. Every day is like a Tuesday. Not quite the beginning of the week but you still have many days to go and you already want to go home and cry. In conclusion, for reasons unknown and though I have never been, I have an innate suspicion of TGI Fridays that goes beyond logical reason and spills into the realm of conspiracy theories. I am giving TGI Fridays 1 star and I would not recommend this restaurant to a close friend or relative.
- ALMOST One Million People
By Ariana White: On June 15th, Donald J. Trump used his world-famous, well run, and completely inoffensive Twitter account to share very exciting news about his rally held on Saturday, June 20th. The tweet read “Almost One Million people request tickets for the Saturday Night Rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma!” shedding light on the large number of people - maskless, of course - who reserved seats. Trump’s campaign manager said about 800,000 people registered for the rally, while the stadium representative helplessly tried to explain that the venue could only hold up to 19,200 people. This led to Trump’s rebuttal in the form of a highly professional tweet: “FAKE NEWS.” Little did Trump know, the majority of these seats were actually reserved by a collection of Gen-Z Tik-Tokers whose knowledge of technology, a wicked sense of humor, and lack of voting rights fueled this form of peaceful protest. Rather than the expected overflow of people, the attendance was worse than that of a WNBA game on a Tuesday night. Trump supporter Lily Silverstein commented on the sparse attendance saying, “This is all the fault of those liberals.” She might be right. Those libs are, after all, known for their trickiness. Trump also planned to give a second speech to address the overflowing crowd outside of the stadium, but since there was simply no one there, he sadly had to cancel what would have surely been a spectacular oration. There are many reasonable explanations for the emptiness outside the rally: maybe people were stuck in traffic, scared of the raging pandemic, or others simply went to the wrong rally a couple of states over in Phoenix, Arizona because no one really knows where Oklahoma is. However, we all know after those Florida beach parties and very necessary nail appointments, that a pandemic won’t stop anyone from having a little fun.
- The Karen
By Ariana White: The Karen From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The term “Karen”, once a popular baby name in the early ’70s, has now morphed into a term used to describe the subject of some of the most frightening and hilarious videos littered across Twitter. A Karen can most accurately be described as an uptight (borderline crazy) woman who uses her powers of aggression and confrontation to obliterate anyone in her way. The term originated in the early 2010s, evolving out of the proto-Karen: the Becky of the 90s and early 2000s, and now describes an assortment of middle-aged women, mostly across America The Beautiful, who verbally harass families enjoying picnics, people trying to enter their own apartments, and most recently store owners who refuse service due to The Karen’s incessant need to violate mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines. At first glance, a Karen might present herself as an non-harmful, kind, and friendly woman sporting a charming blonde bob and large brown purse. But don’t let her bright smile and excessive hand gestures fool you as she is one of the most dangerous people you will ever encounter. If you do have the unfortunate experience of meeting a Karen during one of her “flare-ups”, a useful survival technique is to curl into a fetal position until help, most likely law enforcement -- you can pray for the national guard -- shows up, and delivers you to safety.
- Pen Pals
By Ariana White: Pen Pals Dear Lucas, Hiiii. Sorry that it took so long for me to respond. My mom got mad at me for putting her makeup on our dog Lucy so she took my letter-writing time away. I got a 56% on my last math quiz. I really like Addition but Subtraction is hard. Do you remember 1st-grade math and can you please help me? Mommy and Daddy still fight a lot but I think it’s because of Daddy’s new friend Sheila. Sheila told me that she’s gonna be my new Mommy soon but if that’s true why does Daddy sneak her out the door in the kitchen? I’m having a good time though. How about you? Is your cellmate still threatening you with a sharpened toothbrush? What’d you call it? A skank? From, Tracyyyyyy Dear Tracy, I’m doing well! No to both of those questions; my cellmate is no longer threatening me because he was put in solitary, and it’s called a shank, not a skank (which is what it sounds like your dad’s new friend is). I have a new cellmate now and he seems okay but he makes alcohol in the toilet and keeps it under our bed. And I sleep on the bottom bunk. I don’t remember 1st grade,much less the math portion, but I used math every day in my previous vocation (grams weren’t gonna count themselves) so I’m sure I could help you out. How are your siblings? Last thing I heard they kept hissing at the babysitter? I’d love to hear more about that. Sincerely, Lucas C. Nikers Correctional Center Cell number: 103 Dear Lucas, A shank! Yes! I have been trying to remember since the last time I wrote to you. My twin siblings, Brittany and Xavier, are fine but we have gone through 23 babysitters in one month. That amount of new young women coming to our house each day surely causes suspicion in our small cul de sac community. Update on New Mommy Sheila: I haven’t seen her in a while so I think maybe Old Mommy killed her. Daddy now drinks three glasses of spicy water at dinner instead of one... I’m still struggling a little with subtraction but New Mommy Sheila gave me a tip right before she disappeared and it’s been helping a lot. I’m happy you got a new cellmate. The last one sounded scary and even though your new one makes toilet juice, I’m sure you guys will come up with a happy compromise. From, TRACY
- The Diary Entry of a Common Deer
By Ariana White: Deer Diary, Haha, get it? Today was uneventful. I spent most of my day trying to maneuver through my neighbor’s deer resistant shrubs to get to the good stuff like arborvitae and other narrow-leaved evergreens that bolster my appetite. My brothers and sisters were feeling somewhat reclusive today so they didn’t accompany me on my mid-day adventure but I needed a little “me time” anyway. While roaming through the streets of suburbia, I often brush the feathers of death as vehicles, ranging from Corolla Hatchbacks to Nissan Altimas, swerve out of my way and into oncoming traffic in an effort to avoid killing an innocent animal (It’s me. I’m the innocent animal). It’s not my fault that I often find myself across the street from places I need to be and foliage I need to eat. It is in those moments that I am reminded to never take things for granted, like my family of thirty-two. Sadly, I am still battling fleas and ticks. They seem to think I’m especially tasty. Too bad my next-door neighbors have a three-year-old son who rummages around their backyard often directly in the spots where I have my afternoon sunbathing sessions. Lyme disease can be lethal and lead to arthritis and other nervous system problems… but that’s not my problem! On a more important note, my stool has been especially loose these past couple of days and I can’t seem to figure out the source of the problem. My sister thinks it’s because I keep eating the grass behind the gas station, but what does she know? Overall, today and the last couple of weeks have been pretty chill – only I can’t seem to figure out why humans wear masks all the sudden and only cough in the privacy of their homes. Thanks for being there for me! Sincerely, Deerbra
- An Ode to the Astrological Signs
By Ariana White: An Ode to the Astrological Signs (from the perspective of an Aries cuz… that’s the only opinion that matters) Aries: As my favorite astrological sign, you are pretty amazing. Anger issues, rude nature, harsh words, and incessant need to be loud all the time aside, probably the most normal of the signs. Taurus: I have never tried to win an argument with you. It is simply impossible. Gemini: I appreciate your unique ability to lose friends as fast as you make them. Cancer: I enjoy our gossip sessions and if you ever want a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here. You’ll need one when Brad ghosts you for the fourth time. Leo: I liked your Instagram picture, by the way, if that makes you feel better. Virgo: Please don’t judge me... I get enough of that from my parents. Libra: I enjoy your company until the cashier asks you, “credit or debit?” and I have to wait in the grocery store for two hours while you make up your mind. Scorpio: I have no idea how to make this funny because I legitimately despise Scorpios. #sorrynotsorry Sagittarius: If I ever decide to date you, I will make sure to keep at least one foot out the door. Capricorn: Thank you for taking a break from your “One Thousand Cats” puzzle to read this article. Aquarius: When was the last time you left your room? Also, your mother knows about the weed. Pisces: For some reason everything I say to you makes you cry so... I’m sorry?
- A Collection of Satires
By Suhan Kacholia: School Bullies Struggle To Adapt to Online School The transition to virtual schooling has been difficult for most students, but for local bully Bret Chase, it was devastating. “I was robbed of my only source of joy- the torment of my fellow classmates. I’ve tried to transition to an online format, but it’s just not the same, man,” said Chase. In addition to losing his primary pastime, Chase lost his only source of income, becoming another casualty of the economic effects of the pandemic. “I used to rely on extorting Jeremy for his lunch money to make ends meet, but now that’s gone too. I even set up a GoFundMe, but for some reason, my former victims seem reluctant to donate to my cause. Where has this country’s compassion gone?” Other bullies echoed Chase’s thoughts. “I used to taunt people to meet me behind the school to beat them up, but now I’m reduced to asking them to join my Zoom room. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?” said Chad Bryan, on the verge of tears. Other bullies, however, thrived in the transition to virtual school, quitting their former occupations and rushing into the role of the “cyberbully”. Even they, however, are struggling during these difficult times. “The market’s too saturated- everyone cyberbullies each other these days. Just look at Twitter. And besides, people have just stopped caring. When the world is ending and you’re fighting for social justice, you just don’t have time to respond to old-fashioned messages calling you ‘ugly’ or ‘dumb’, I guess,” one such cyberbully lamented. However, as schools begin to reopen, bullies are awarded a glimpse of hope. “Things will definitely look different, and we’ll have to stop some of our more unsanitary activities- wet willies are gonna have to go but we’re glad to be back in business and excited to terrorize the school for another year!” said Miles Smith, known sociopath at Midtown High. Smith listed some of the modified bullying techniques he and his friends had developed to ensure student safety. “We’re gonna do spitballs but using hand sanitizer instead of spit. Beat up the kids that refuse to wear a mask. Throw textbooks at nerds from a safe distance of 6 feet. Things may be different, but life has to go on, you know?” Students Petition for Additional Weekdays A group of high-achieving students have petitioned the U.S. government to introduce a law to add additional days to the week, stating that the current calendar does not give them enough time to participate in all their activities. “It’s simply impossible for me to fit violin lessons on Monday, National Honor Society meetings on Tuesday, tennis classes on Wednesday, Debate Club on Thursday, volunteering at a local soup kitchen on Friday, and still have time to study for the 11 AP exams I am taking this year. If we just had a few extra weekdays, this wouldn’t be a problem,” said Clara Lee, a high school freshman. An unlikely coalition of teachers and slackers have voiced opposition to the idea. Joyce Brown, a high school teacher, stated, “I have to see these kiss-ass, suck-up, teacher’s pets for five days a week, and that’s already too much. If I had to see them anymore, I’d go back to teaching elementary. First graders wouldn’t beg me for a letter of recommendation for the fourth internship they’re applying to this semester or try to get extra credit for getting me a present on my birthday.” Meanwhile, Kyle Bradley, a noted slacker, simply said that he would just “ditch even more” if this policy was enacted. After giving this statement, he proceeded to blow a cloud of vape into the face of the journalist who was conducting the interview and skateboarded away. While the number of high-achieving students in the nation is small, they have, rather impressively, already organized a national movement to build support for their proposed policy. Grant Jones, a high school junior and the head of Resume the Progressive Augmentation of Days (ResumePAD), a group dedicated to advocating for the cause, stated, “It was no problem at all getting people to join our organization. A lot of them just joined because they needed to fill up another space on their Common App. We’re okay with that. After all, the only reason I founded this group was because I needed a leadership position. Plus, political advocacy looks great if you want to signal to colleges that you care about things.” It is unclear whether Congress will allow this measure to pass, as many members have stated that while they would “enjoy making the American people suffer even more,” they would also have to work more and potentially even do their job if there were more weekdays, a prospect they “vehemently oppose.” Hell HQ2 Hell has announced plans to expand, commencing a nationwide search for possible locations for a second headquarters. “Based on the recent dramatic worldwide growth in the numbers of sinners, we want to expand to help alleviate the overcrowding issues we’ve been having lately and ensure our facilities can continue to provide the highest quality suffering for our consumers,” said Satan, Hell’s CEO. Cities all across the nation are scrambling to market themselves as being an ideal location for the second headquarters, not wanting to let such an incredible investment opportunity pass. “The construction of a Hell campus would doubtlessly bring thousands of jobs to any city. We would need a lot of new demons to staff our new branch, after all. Additionally, we believe having a Hell location could help cities bolster their nightlife and entertainment amenities, as everyone knows that all the fun people go to Hell,” said Lucy Fehr, Hell’s official spokesperson. She also mentioned that Hell has already made a list of cities that they’re taking into “serious consideration” for their new location. “Top of the list right now is Phoenix, Arizona. We think the climate would be suitable, as its remarkably similar to what actual Hell is like. Although of course, global warming is helping us out by quickly making that a reality for the whole planet. Additionally, the lack of absolutely anything fun to do in the city provides an ideal environment for torture. We’re thinking that Ohio might be a slightly better choice in that regard, though,” she said. Washington, D.C and Florida were also mentioned as potential candidates. “Washington would be a great place for us to hire new demons, with so much sociopathic talent residing there, and Florida is where a large portion of our clientele resides, as nearly everyone from there ends up in Hell.” She also stated that the new campus would be be equipped with modern, state-of-the-art equipment to torture sinners. “Gone are the days of stabbing people in the eyes with hot irons, or having slime-covered worms eat their insides- we’re experimenting with a new, innovative, and cost-effective approach to torture. Now we’re just having them relive the year 2020. Some early research subjects have actually indicated that they prefer the older method.” *Note: This piece was awarded an Honorable Mention in the 2020 Milking Cat Summer Comedy Competition*
- The Milking Cat's 2019 First Round NBA Mock Draft
By Noah Stern: Here at the sports-media powerhouse that is The Milking Cat, our editors have been working around the clock researching every possible analytic, statistic, measurable, immeasurable, wingspan, diet, favorite color, sneaker collection, 40 yard dash time, preference of diet cola, playing ability, emotional intelligence, proficiency in Microsoft Office, and, of course, lateral quickness of EVERY SINGLE (first round) draft prospect. This heavy investment of time and energy was in order to ensure that we provide you, the reader, a literally flawless mock of the 2019 NBA Draft. In fact, don’t even watch the draft. Don’t even watch any draft related content. This is it. Right here. All you need. And when your friends ask why you are scoffing at them for crowding around a Skip Bayless prediction clip like a bunch of Neanderthals, kindly refer them to the following mock: 1. New Orleans Pelicans: Ja Morant, G, Murray State Easy call here as New Orleans takes the best available player in Ja Morant, a dynamic athlete who will pair with Jrue Holiday to form the most feared backcourt in the league. Note: On draft night, Zion Williamson is, of course, in the heat of a major scandal involving PED’s. The NBA will find that Zion is, in actuality, Moses Malone using the powers of a magical genie to retain his youth. Adam Silver will be unsure of what course of action to take, seeing as this is an unprecedented breach of the NBA’s lengthy anti-witchcraft rule. 2. Memphis Grizzlies: Chuma Okeke, F, Auburn With this pick, the Grizzlies front office establishes itself as one of the most intelligent, forward-thinking groups in the league. A no-brainer here as Okeke has a solid, NBA-level offensive game and spellbinding athleticism. Many will remember him as the Auburn player who heartbreakingly tore his ACL in the Sweet 16 Game against UNC. Memphis flashes their brilliance here by recognising Okeke’s passion for the game after returning to the court and performing a buzzer-beating windmill dunk on one leg to beat the Tar Heels. 3. New York Knicks: Daniel Jones, QB, Duke New York couldn’t help themselves here, grabbing who they believe to be “their guy” with the third overall pick. Just months after being selected by the New York Giants as Eli Manning’s successor for the 2024 season, Jones must pack his bags in East Rutherford and report to Madison Square Garden because, as we all know, NBA selections supercede NFL ones. Most offices around the league will think this pick is a bit of a reach. 4. Los Angeles Lakers: LaMelo Ball, G, Los Angeles Ballers (JBA)/ BC Vytautas In Magic Johnson’s absence, Lavar Ball wins the traditional game of Candyland to become the Lakers’ president of basketball operations. With his new power, he selects his youngest son LaMelo to play alongside Lonzo and LiAngelo (who was acquired for cash considerations from the Dunkin’ Donuts on South Olive Street). 5. Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James Jr., F, Crossroads HS All hell breaks loose as the restriction on straight-from-highschool players is lifted and 14 year old LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. gets drafted by his father’s former team. He should make an immediate impact in Cleveland as his head ricochets off the hardwood after being punted 37 feet by Steven Adams in his third game. 6. Phoenix Suns: RJ Barrett, G, Duke The folks in Phoenix couldn’t be happier about this pick as they land a top-3 talent who miraculously slid all the way down to number 6. A great value pick, but it will be interesting to see if Mexico’s annexation of Arizona on June 8th, 2019 has any bearing on the future of this franchise. 7. Chicago Bulls: Conor McGregor, Lightweight, Dublin An unorthodox selection here for the Bulls, as McGregor has never demonstrated his abilities on a basketball court. However, as he is currently retired from MMA, McGregor will decide his next best move is to take on the NBA’s best talent in order to prove his dominance in another sport. We project him as a potential sixth man with a ceiling of Arron Afflalo and a floor of David Stockton. 8. Atlanta Hawks: Idi Amin, President for Life, Uganda This pick will be questioned for a number of reasons. First and foremost: Idi Amin died in 2003. Second, Why would the Hawks draft infamous Ugandan dictator and mass-murderer Idi Amin to play basketball for them? Third, even if he were alive, would his inconsistent jumper be able to transition to the next level? Nonetheless, the Hawks will select Amin with the 8th overall pick. 9. Washington Wizards: China Jimmer, G, Shanghai Sharks Now, what is unique about this selection is that the Wizards will be adamant about the fact that they specifically selected China Jimmer. That is, the version of Jimmer Fredette that led the CBA in points per game and dropped 75 in a single night, not the Jimmer that flamed out with the Knicks after playing just 2 bench minutes. 10. Atlanta Hawks: Zion Williamson (Moses Malone), F, Duke Atlanta won’t let the controversy stop them from receiving the rights to one of the most talented college players in years. Although the scandal and potential consequences will be looming for the 63-year-old Moses Malone, the Hawks couldn’t help themselves here. If he is allowed to play basketball on an NBA court, Williamson will be the most dominating force out of college since LeBron. An extraordinary value pick for the Hawks front office. 11. Minnesota Timberwolves: Eric Carle, G, Stuttgart State Academy of Fine Arts Savvy draft experts will be quick to heap praise upon Minnesota’s selection of Eric Carle, the author of The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 12. Charlotte Hornets: The Rights to Yovel Zoosman, F, Maccabi Tel Aviv The Hornets go international here by drafting one of Israeli basketball’s rising stars. A decent selection, but somewhat confusing as Jarrett Culver will, at this point, be pacing around the Barclays Center parking lot holding a half empty bottle of vodka. 13. Washington Redskins: Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State The Redskins manage to draft their quarterback of the future without moving an inch in the draft order. This is a dream scenario for Washington, since everyone was positive Haskins would be up on the stage in a New York Giants ball cap. A+ pick for the Redskins at number 13. 14. Boston Celtics: Davide Moretti, G, Texas Tech By selecting his markedly less talented college teammate, the Celtics have caused Jarrett Culver to slowly begin dowsing all of the cars in the parking lot with gasoline. He begins to draw out a lighter from his suit pocket when pick #15 is announced on the stadium PA system. 15. Detroit Pistons: Andrew Yang, Democrat, Brown Silence. In the distance, smoke. Car alarms. Fire truck sirens. Jarrett has disappeared into the humid New York night; the lone soul floating in a sea of madness. 16. Orlando Magic: Bol Bol, C, Oregon 17. Brooklyn Nets: Bobby Moynihan, F, UConn 18. Indiana Pacers: Rick Allen, the One-Armed Drummer from Def Leppard 19. San Antonio Spurs: D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss 20. Orlando Magic (trade w/ Boston): Tacko Fall, C, UCF 21. Oklahoma City Thunder: Cuba Gooding Jr., G, NYU 22. Boston Celtics: Cam Reddish, F, Duke 23. Utah Jazz: Mitt Romney, Republican, Harvard Law 24. Philadelphia 76ers: Someone with a Future Foot Injury, G/F/C, Good Program University 25. Portland Trail Blazers: Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, President of Turkey, Turkey 26. Cleveland Cavaliers: Bruno Fernando, C, Maryland 27. Brooklyn Nets: Zaire Wade, G, American Heritage HS 28. Golden State Warriors: Benjamin Elkins, Editor-in-Chief, TMC 29. San Antonio Spurs: Thank you for still reading 30. Milwaukee Bucks: Jarrett Culver, G, Texas Tech As always, if their name is on here we probably used their Wikipedia page as a reference, so shout out to Wikipedia. Also shoutout to Tommy Beer of Forbes.com who was the first actual mock draft we researched so we could see the order and some random players.