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13 results found for "arianna"

  • The Pros and Cons of Being a Country Club Lifeguard

    By Arianna White: Pros: As a lifeguard, you basically get paid to sit around and do nothing.

  • Jack and Jill Go Up the Hill

    By Ariana White: Jack and Jill go up the hill Smoking high off their asses. Eyes bloodshot and lucid not They both skipped all their classes. Jack said, “Jill, you feel it yet?” When Jill started to stumble. Jill said, “Huh? No nothing yet But why am I seeing double?” Jack was hungry. Jill was thirsty. Both were tripping balls. But overall they did not fall. That day they won’t recall.

  • About the Lulus

    By Ariana White: About the Lulus By Lola Vernacceli, On October 20th, 2020, I put my most prized possession, which I named Sasha-- more commonly known as my “Wunder Under High-Rise Tight 28" Luxtreme” Lulu Lemon leggings in the classic color “Incognito Camo Jacquard Bubblegum Pink,”-- into my laundry bag. I zipped up the bag, walked it downstairs, and sat it down in the basement where it would eventually be taken by my mom to be washed. I did not expect, however, that in the end, my mom would prove to be a lying, scheming thief. Since the leggings’ venture to the basement, they have been nowhere to be found, and I have not been able to wear my precious Sasha in the past two weeks-- A.K.A. I have not gone to the gym to supposedly “work out” but really just stare at the beautiful butts of 55-year-old men in the past two weeks! This is absurd! I have personally asked every member of my family if they have seen Sasha, yet no one has claimed to have spotted her. I scrambled from door to door-- I even woke up my maid, Lucas, to find out if he had stolen my booty lifting leggings for himself; there was a rumor going around the house that he started an Only Fans account. I was confused, desperate, disheveled, and I slept a total of 3 hours a day due to frequently waking up in a cold sweat after experiencing horrible nightmares of a Demogorgon wearing Sasha! Three weeks after Sasha’s disappearance, I decided that it was time to send my laundry bag downstairs again, but this time, with great caution. As I made my way down the stairs, I overheard my brother and father whispering to each other. My father said he lost his Hermes scarf after laundry day, while my brother recounted a time when his Gucci thong also failed to return to him. If both my father and brother were losing their clothes as well, then that only left one suspect… was my mom really stealing our clothes?! This triggered a new investigation. I asked her countless questions and demanded answers, sometimes interfering with her afternoon pilates class with Lucas, who we all know she’s having an affair with. I was determined to find answers and to have my Sasha returned to me. Alas, Sasha was never found. My mom simply blocked me on iMessage and then threw a Molotov cocktail into my room. I can’t lie, this did slow down my investigation a bit, but I refuse to stop educating the public in her mischievous ways and blatant thievery!

  • “This Terrorist Attack is Getting Boring; Let’s Play Never Have I Ever”

    By Ariana White: “This Terrorist Attack is Getting Boring; Let’s Play Never Have I Ever” Setting - A bunker somewhere in the Northwing of the Capitol building. Nancy Pelosi: This terrorist attack is getting boring; let’s play Never Have I Ever. Ted Cruz: OMG I love that game! Who should start? Bernie Sanders: I really feel like this isn’t the time nor place... Mitch McConnell: Shut up Sanders. I’ve been itching to play since the last time I lost. Nancy Pelosi: What? You didn’t lose last time. Mike did. Mike Pence: Guilty! Mitch McConnell: Yeah but it was close and he loses every time so it doesn’t even count. Mike Pence: Guilty again! Mitt Romney: Well, as long as I go last in the rotation, I’ll play! Ted Cruz: It really should not take you that long to come up with a question Romney. Mitt Romney: Fuck off! At least I don’t look like a blobfish. Ted Cruz: Yeah?! Well, at least I’m not from Utah! Bernie Sanders: Republicans, sorry, gentlemen let’s calm down. There isn’t enough oxygen in the room for all this fighting. Nancy Pelosi walks towards Lindsey Graham who is crouched in a corner of the room rocking back and forth. Nancy Pelosi: How about you Lindsey, would you like to play? Lindsey Graham: What? Oh no, definitely not. There’s no time for fun. You saw the crowd at that airport! If those Neo-Nazi, tobacco chewing, racists find me, I am surely going to die. Ted Cruz: Well I guess it’s just us then. I’ll start… Elizabeth Warren: Oooo. I wanna play! Everyone in Unison: NO Elizabeth Warren slinks back to the opposite side of the room. Ted Cruz: As I was saying, never have I ever been in office for over three decades. Nancy Pelosi puts her finger down. Ted Cruz: God you’re old. Nancy Pelosi: God you’re ugly. Ted Cruz rolls his eyes. Mitch McConnell: Ok my turn! Never have I ever ran for president and then lost. Mitch McConnel smirks at Mitt Romney, Bernie Sanders, and Ted Cruz who all put their fingers down. Bernie Sanders: Yeah, well, when you even get nominated for president, call me. Mitch McConnell: Hey! I am the longest standing US Senator Kentucky has ever had! Ted Cruz: And that means what exactly… Mitch McConnel glares at Ted Cruz. Bernie Sanders: Okay! My turn I guess. Um never have I ever not been the most popular Senator in America. Everyone looks at him annoyed and puts a finger down. Mitch McConnel: Hey I’m pretty popular! Nancy Pelosi: Yeah but for all the wrong reasons. Mitch McConnel: “yEaH bUt fOr aLl tHe wRoNg rEaSoNs.” Mitt Romney: Okay my turn. I finally got one. Never have I ever been in a sexual relationship with our current president. Mike Pence: Oh my god guys you say this every time! Proceeds to put his finger down. Mike Pence: It’s my turn now anyway! Never have I ever been an ally of the LGBTQ+ community. Bernie Sanders: What the hell Pence. Mike Pence: What?! It’s our final hours! We might as well be honest and I’m tryna win. Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnel all put their fingers down. Ted Cruz: Put your finger back up McConnel. Mitch McConnel: Excuse me? What’d I do to prove otherwise? Bernie Sanders: Oh I don’t know. Amy Coney Barret? Joan Larson? Allison Eid?! Mitch McConnel: Okay! Whatever! An FBI Agent comes into the room. FBI Agent: Hey, you guys are good to go back up. All’s clear. Everyone starts clapping. Nancy Pelosi: Wait, we’re gonna finish playing though right? Mike Pence: Oh definitely, we’ll just say we’re still counting the votes. Everyone nods in agreement as they head out of the bunker.

  • The Process Of Writing a Satirical Article

    By Ariana White: Step 1: Sit and Wait This step is personally my least favorite part of the satirical writing process. You sit at your desk, kitchen counter, or on your bed and wait for the Idea Fairy, Bob, to punch you in the face with the inspiration that leads to a piece longer than two sentences long. This step can take anywhere from 1 minute to 6 hours to complete and it is quite laborious sitting around on edge waiting to be mentally assaulted. Step 2: Second Guessing Even after you get an idea, sometimes it’s not the right one. You start writing and after the first two sentences, you start wondering if you were ever funny in the first place. Maybe your mom was lying to you when she lol’d the last article you sent her. Maybe you should just quit altogether and find a new passion that pays a little better. After this, you're most likely going to have to start Step 1 all over again until you feel a little better about yourself. Step 3: Sweet Relief After teetering between Step 1 and Step 2 for hours and maybe even days, you experience an “aha moment” where the clouds have parted and the tears on your cheeks have dried. An idea has come to you and you are able to write something at least tasteful, if not slightly funny. This is the best part of the writing process, hands down, as the stress caused by Steps 1 and 2 has vanished and you’ve found the will to live again. The words are flowing out of you and you basically write the whole article in 10 minutes. You should feel proud and relieved that you are so close to finishing! Step 4: Psych! By now you have probably written a couple of paragraphs. You have the basis of your topic figured out and you know how you’re going to, eventually, make it knee-slappingly funny. But as you near the end of the article you get stuck. The words that were, at some point, flowing through your head no longer make sense and you stare at your computer screen as if you have completely forgotten the English language. This is the time to take a break. Eat some food, take a shower, do your taxes, and then, at 12 a.m., the day it’s due, finish the article. Step 5: What is Editing? After your break from writing, hopefully, you return and finish the article. If not, there’s no hope and you should probably just quit while you’re at it. But if you have actually finished, then YAY you’re done! Make sure you read it only once, or even less, before you upload. Step 6: Send it! Copy and paste, download as a pdf, or if you’re lame, save that Word document and upload your amazing article. Give yourself a pat on the back, you did it!

  • A Yelp Review of TGI Fridays By Someone Who Has Never Been To a TGI Fridays

    By Ariana White: Um so I’ve never been to TGI Fridays but… I never been to a TGI Fridays nor have I had their food but just the aura and the concept of it is quite awful. Even from a distance, TGI Fridays gives me the chills. I can only imagine that the floors are speckled if not littered with crumbs and are constantly sticky. I would imagine their food not only causes high blood pressure and an increased sense of self-loathing, but is probably bland and uninspiring. I’ve also pondered TGI Fridays’ purpose and role in life, and the sheer irrelevancy of the restaurant, if we can even call it that, makes me wonder if it’s simply a glitch in the simulation. Sometimes I even feel a strong urge to set a TGI Fridays on fire. For no reason, just… instinct. And sometimes when I pass by a TGI Fridays as I am speeding down the highway on my way to work I think “wow...no”. This being said I do enjoy a good visit to Red Lobster. Their food is simply unmatched and, unlike TGI Fridays, I at least enjoy myself while having my arteries clogged. Who works at a TGI Fridays willingly? Is it fun working there? Is it like every day is Friday, a day of relaxation and anticipation for the weekend? That seems a little unlikely. I’d expect the opposite really. Every day is like a Tuesday. Not quite the beginning of the week but you still have many days to go and you already want to go home and cry. In conclusion, for reasons unknown and though I have never been, I have an innate suspicion of TGI Fridays that goes beyond logical reason and spills into the realm of conspiracy theories. I am giving TGI Fridays 1 star and I would not recommend this restaurant to a close friend or relative.

  • ALMOST One Million People

    By Ariana White: On June 15th, Donald J. Trump used his world-famous, well run, and completely inoffensive Twitter account to share very exciting news about his rally held on Saturday, June 20th. The tweet read “Almost One Million people request tickets for the Saturday Night Rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma!” shedding light on the large number of people - maskless, of course - who reserved seats. Trump’s campaign manager said about 800,000 people registered for the rally, while the stadium representative helplessly tried to explain that the venue could only hold up to 19,200 people. This led to Trump’s rebuttal in the form of a highly professional tweet: “FAKE NEWS.” Little did Trump know, the majority of these seats were actually reserved by a collection of Gen-Z Tik-Tokers whose knowledge of technology, a wicked sense of humor, and lack of voting rights fueled this form of peaceful protest. Rather than the expected overflow of people, the attendance was worse than that of a WNBA game on a Tuesday night. Trump supporter Lily Silverstein commented on the sparse attendance saying, “This is all the fault of those liberals.” She might be right. Those libs are, after all, known for their trickiness. Trump also planned to give a second speech to address the overflowing crowd outside of the stadium, but since there was simply no one there, he sadly had to cancel what would have surely been a spectacular oration. There are many reasonable explanations for the emptiness outside the rally: maybe people were stuck in traffic, scared of the raging pandemic, or others simply went to the wrong rally a couple of states over in Phoenix, Arizona because no one really knows where Oklahoma is. However, we all know after those Florida beach parties and very necessary nail appointments, that a pandemic won’t stop anyone from having a little fun.

  • The Karen

    By Ariana White: The Karen From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The term “Karen”, once a popular baby name in the early ’70s, has now morphed into a term used to describe the subject of some of the most frightening and hilarious videos littered across Twitter. A Karen can most accurately be described as an uptight (borderline crazy) woman who uses her powers of aggression and confrontation to obliterate anyone in her way. The term originated in the early 2010s, evolving out of the proto-Karen: the Becky of the 90s and early 2000s, and now describes an assortment of middle-aged women, mostly across America The Beautiful, who verbally harass families enjoying picnics, people trying to enter their own apartments, and most recently store owners who refuse service due to The Karen’s incessant need to violate mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines. At first glance, a Karen might present herself as an non-harmful, kind, and friendly woman sporting a charming blonde bob and large brown purse. But don’t let her bright smile and excessive hand gestures fool you as she is one of the most dangerous people you will ever encounter. If you do have the unfortunate experience of meeting a Karen during one of her “flare-ups”, a useful survival technique is to curl into a fetal position until help, most likely law enforcement -- you can pray for the national guard -- shows up, and delivers you to safety.

  • Pen Pals

    By Ariana White: Pen Pals Dear Lucas, Hiiii. Sorry that it took so long for me to respond. My mom got mad at me for putting her makeup on our dog Lucy so she took my letter-writing time away. I got a 56% on my last math quiz. I really like Addition but Subtraction is hard. Do you remember 1st-grade math and can you please help me? Mommy and Daddy still fight a lot but I think it’s because of Daddy’s new friend Sheila. Sheila told me that she’s gonna be my new Mommy soon but if that’s true why does Daddy sneak her out the door in the kitchen? I’m having a good time though. How about you? Is your cellmate still threatening you with a sharpened toothbrush? What’d you call it? A skank? From, Tracyyyyyy Dear Tracy, I’m doing well! No to both of those questions; my cellmate is no longer threatening me because he was put in solitary, and it’s called a shank, not a skank (which is what it sounds like your dad’s new friend is). I have a new cellmate now and he seems okay but he makes alcohol in the toilet and keeps it under our bed. And I sleep on the bottom bunk. I don’t remember 1st grade,much less the math portion, but I used math every day in my previous vocation (grams weren’t gonna count themselves) so I’m sure I could help you out. How are your siblings? Last thing I heard they kept hissing at the babysitter? I’d love to hear more about that. Sincerely, Lucas C. Nikers Correctional Center Cell number: 103 Dear Lucas, A shank! Yes! I have been trying to remember since the last time I wrote to you. My twin siblings, Brittany and Xavier, are fine but we have gone through 23 babysitters in one month. That amount of new young women coming to our house each day surely causes suspicion in our small cul de sac community. Update on New Mommy Sheila: I haven’t seen her in a while so I think maybe Old Mommy killed her. Daddy now drinks three glasses of spicy water at dinner instead of one... I’m still struggling a little with subtraction but New Mommy Sheila gave me a tip right before she disappeared and it’s been helping a lot. I’m happy you got a new cellmate. The last one sounded scary and even though your new one makes toilet juice, I’m sure you guys will come up with a happy compromise. From, TRACY

  • The Diary Entry of a Common Deer

    By Ariana White: Deer Diary, Haha, get it? Today was uneventful. I spent most of my day trying to maneuver through my neighbor’s deer resistant shrubs to get to the good stuff like arborvitae and other narrow-leaved evergreens that bolster my appetite. My brothers and sisters were feeling somewhat reclusive today so they didn’t accompany me on my mid-day adventure but I needed a little “me time” anyway. While roaming through the streets of suburbia, I often brush the feathers of death as vehicles, ranging from Corolla Hatchbacks to Nissan Altimas, swerve out of my way and into oncoming traffic in an effort to avoid killing an innocent animal (It’s me. I’m the innocent animal). It’s not my fault that I often find myself across the street from places I need to be and foliage I need to eat. It is in those moments that I am reminded to never take things for granted, like my family of thirty-two. Sadly, I am still battling fleas and ticks. They seem to think I’m especially tasty. Too bad my next-door neighbors have a three-year-old son who rummages around their backyard often directly in the spots where I have my afternoon sunbathing sessions. Lyme disease can be lethal and lead to arthritis and other nervous system problems… but that’s not my problem! On a more important note, my stool has been especially loose these past couple of days and I can’t seem to figure out the source of the problem. My sister thinks it’s because I keep eating the grass behind the gas station, but what does she know? Overall, today and the last couple of weeks have been pretty chill – only I can’t seem to figure out why humans wear masks all the sudden and only cough in the privacy of their homes. Thanks for being there for me! Sincerely, Deerbra

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