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8 results found for "arianna"

  • The Pros and Cons of Being a Country Club Lifeguard

    By Arianna White: Pros: As a lifeguard, you basically get paid to sit around and do nothing.

  • The Karen

    By Ariana White: The Karen From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The term “Karen”, once a popular baby name in the early ’70s, has now morphed into a term used to describe the subject of some of the most frightening and hilarious videos littered across Twitter. A Karen can most accurately be described as an uptight (borderline crazy) woman who uses her powers of aggression and confrontation to obliterate anyone in her way. The term originated in the early 2010s, evolving out of the proto-Karen: the Becky of the 90s and early 2000s, and now describes an assortment of middle-aged women, mostly across America The Beautiful, who verbally harass families enjoying picnics, people trying to enter their own apartments, and most recently store owners who refuse service due to The Karen’s incessant need to violate mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines. At first glance, a Karen might present herself as an non-harmful, kind, and friendly woman sporting a charming blonde bob and large brown purse. But don’t let her bright smile and excessive hand gestures fool you as she is one of the most dangerous people you will ever encounter. If you do have the unfortunate experience of meeting a Karen during one of her “flare-ups”, a useful survival technique is to curl into a fetal position until help, most likely law enforcement -- you can pray for the national guard -- shows up, and delivers you to safety.

  • Pen Pals

    By Ariana White: Pen Pals Dear Lucas, Hiiii. Sorry that it took so long for me to respond. My mom got mad at me for putting her makeup on our dog Lucy so she took my letter-writing time away. I got a 56% on my last math quiz. I really like Addition but Subtraction is hard. Do you remember 1st-grade math and can you please help me? Mommy and Daddy still fight a lot but I think it’s because of Daddy’s new friend Sheila. Sheila told me that she’s gonna be my new Mommy soon but if that’s true why does Daddy sneak her out the door in the kitchen? I’m having a good time though. How about you? Is your cellmate still threatening you with a sharpened toothbrush? What’d you call it? A skank? From, Tracyyyyyy Dear Tracy, I’m doing well! No to both of those questions; my cellmate is no longer threatening me because he was put in solitary, and it’s called a shank, not a skank (which is what it sounds like your dad’s new friend is). I have a new cellmate now and he seems okay but he makes alcohol in the toilet and keeps it under our bed. And I sleep on the bottom bunk. I don’t remember 1st grade,much less the math portion, but I used math every day in my previous vocation (grams weren’t gonna count themselves) so I’m sure I could help you out. How are your siblings? Last thing I heard they kept hissing at the babysitter? I’d love to hear more about that. Sincerely, Lucas C. Nikers Correctional Center Cell number: 103 Dear Lucas, A shank! Yes! I have been trying to remember since the last time I wrote to you. My twin siblings, Brittany and Xavier, are fine but we have gone through 23 babysitters in one month. That amount of new young women coming to our house each day surely causes suspicion in our small cul de sac community. Update on New Mommy Sheila: I haven’t seen her in a while so I think maybe Old Mommy killed her. Daddy now drinks three glasses of spicy water at dinner instead of one... I’m still struggling a little with subtraction but New Mommy Sheila gave me a tip right before she disappeared and it’s been helping a lot. I’m happy you got a new cellmate. The last one sounded scary and even though your new one makes toilet juice, I’m sure you guys will come up with a happy compromise. From, TRACY

  • The Diary Entry of a Common Deer

    By Ariana White: Deer Diary, Haha, get it? Today was uneventful. I spent most of my day trying to maneuver through my neighbor’s deer resistant shrubs to get to the good stuff like arborvitae and other narrow-leaved evergreens that bolster my appetite. My brothers and sisters were feeling somewhat reclusive today so they didn’t accompany me on my mid-day adventure but I needed a little “me time” anyway. While roaming through the streets of suburbia, I often brush the feathers of death as vehicles, ranging from Corolla Hatchbacks to Nissan Altimas, swerve out of my way and into oncoming traffic in an effort to avoid killing an innocent animal (It’s me. I’m the innocent animal). It’s not my fault that I often find myself across the street from places I need to be and foliage I need to eat. It is in those moments that I am reminded to never take things for granted, like my family of thirty-two. Sadly, I am still battling fleas and ticks. They seem to think I’m especially tasty. Too bad my next-door neighbors have a three-year-old son who rummages around their backyard often directly in the spots where I have my afternoon sunbathing sessions. Lyme disease can be lethal and lead to arthritis and other nervous system problems… but that’s not my problem! On a more important note, my stool has been especially loose these past couple of days and I can’t seem to figure out the source of the problem. My sister thinks it’s because I keep eating the grass behind the gas station, but what does she know? Overall, today and the last couple of weeks have been pretty chill – only I can’t seem to figure out why humans wear masks all the sudden and only cough in the privacy of their homes. Thanks for being there for me! Sincerely, Deerbra

  • ALMOST One Million People

    By Ariana White: On June 15th, Donald J. Trump used his world-famous, well run, and completely inoffensive Twitter account to share very exciting news about his rally held on Saturday, June 20th. The tweet read “Almost One Million people request tickets for the Saturday Night Rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma!” shedding light on the large number of people - maskless, of course - who reserved seats. Trump’s campaign manager said about 800,000 people registered for the rally, while the stadium representative helplessly tried to explain that the venue could only hold up to 19,200 people. This led to Trump’s rebuttal in the form of a highly professional tweet: “FAKE NEWS.” Little did Trump know, the majority of these seats were actually reserved by a collection of Gen-Z Tik-Tokers whose knowledge of technology, a wicked sense of humor, and lack of voting rights fueled this form of peaceful protest. Rather than the expected overflow of people, the attendance was worse than that of a WNBA game on a Tuesday night. Trump supporter Lily Silverstein commented on the sparse attendance saying, “This is all the fault of those liberals.” She might be right. Those libs are, after all, known for their trickiness. Trump also planned to give a second speech to address the overflowing crowd outside of the stadium, but since there was simply no one there, he sadly had to cancel what would have surely been a spectacular oration. There are many reasonable explanations for the emptiness outside the rally: maybe people were stuck in traffic, scared of the raging pandemic, or others simply went to the wrong rally a couple of states over in Phoenix, Arizona because no one really knows where Oklahoma is. However, we all know after those Florida beach parties and very necessary nail appointments, that a pandemic won’t stop anyone from having a little fun.

  • An Ode to the Astrological Signs

    By Ariana White: An Ode to the Astrological Signs (from the perspective of an Aries cuz… that’s the only opinion that matters) Aries: As my favorite astrological sign, you are pretty amazing. Anger issues, rude nature, harsh words, and incessant need to be loud all the time aside, probably the most normal of the signs. Taurus: I have never tried to win an argument with you. It is simply impossible. Gemini: I appreciate your unique ability to lose friends as fast as you make them. Cancer: I enjoy our gossip sessions and if you ever want a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here. You’ll need one when Brad ghosts you for the fourth time. Leo: I liked your Instagram picture, by the way, if that makes you feel better. Virgo: Please don’t judge me... I get enough of that from my parents. Libra: I enjoy your company until the cashier asks you, “credit or debit?” and I have to wait in the grocery store for two hours while you make up your mind. Scorpio: I have no idea how to make this funny because I legitimately despise Scorpios. #sorrynotsorry Sagittarius: If I ever decide to date you, I will make sure to keep at least one foot out the door. Capricorn: Thank you for taking a break from your “One Thousand Cats” puzzle to read this article. Aquarius: When was the last time you left your room? Also, your mother knows about the weed. Pisces: For some reason everything I say to you makes you cry so... I’m sorry?

  • The Milking Cat's 2019 First Round NBA Mock Draft

    By Noah Stern: Here at the sports-media powerhouse that is The Milking Cat, our editors have been working around the clock researching every possible analytic, statistic, measurable, immeasurable, wingspan, diet, favorite color, sneaker collection, 40 yard dash time, preference of diet cola, playing ability, emotional intelligence, proficiency in Microsoft Office, and, of course, lateral quickness of EVERY SINGLE (first round) draft prospect. This heavy investment of time and energy was in order to ensure that we provide you, the reader, a literally flawless mock of the 2019 NBA Draft. In fact, don’t even watch the draft. Don’t even watch any draft related content. This is it. Right here. All you need. And when your friends ask why you are scoffing at them for crowding around a Skip Bayless prediction clip like a bunch of Neanderthals, kindly refer them to the following mock: 1. New Orleans Pelicans: Ja Morant, G, Murray State Easy call here as New Orleans takes the best available player in Ja Morant, a dynamic athlete who will pair with Jrue Holiday to form the most feared backcourt in the league. Note: On draft night, Zion Williamson is, of course, in the heat of a major scandal involving PED’s. The NBA will find that Zion is, in actuality, Moses Malone using the powers of a magical genie to retain his youth. Adam Silver will be unsure of what course of action to take, seeing as this is an unprecedented breach of the NBA’s lengthy anti-witchcraft rule. 2. Memphis Grizzlies: Chuma Okeke, F, Auburn With this pick, the Grizzlies front office establishes itself as one of the most intelligent, forward-thinking groups in the league. A no-brainer here as Okeke has a solid, NBA-level offensive game and spellbinding athleticism. Many will remember him as the Auburn player who heartbreakingly tore his ACL in the Sweet 16 Game against UNC. Memphis flashes their brilliance here by recognising Okeke’s passion for the game after returning to the court and performing a buzzer-beating windmill dunk on one leg to beat the Tar Heels. 3. New York Knicks: Daniel Jones, QB, Duke New York couldn’t help themselves here, grabbing who they believe to be “their guy” with the third overall pick. Just months after being selected by the New York Giants as Eli Manning’s successor for the 2024 season, Jones must pack his bags in East Rutherford and report to Madison Square Garden because, as we all know, NBA selections supercede NFL ones. Most offices around the league will think this pick is a bit of a reach. 4. Los Angeles Lakers: LaMelo Ball, G, Los Angeles Ballers (JBA)/ BC Vytautas In Magic Johnson’s absence, Lavar Ball wins the traditional game of Candyland to become the Lakers’ president of basketball operations. With his new power, he selects his youngest son LaMelo to play alongside Lonzo and LiAngelo (who was acquired for cash considerations from the Dunkin’ Donuts on South Olive Street). 5. Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James Jr., F, Crossroads HS All hell breaks loose as the restriction on straight-from-highschool players is lifted and 14 year old LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. gets drafted by his father’s former team. He should make an immediate impact in Cleveland as his head ricochets off the hardwood after being punted 37 feet by Steven Adams in his third game. 6. Phoenix Suns: RJ Barrett, G, Duke The folks in Phoenix couldn’t be happier about this pick as they land a top-3 talent who miraculously slid all the way down to number 6. A great value pick, but it will be interesting to see if Mexico’s annexation of Arizona on June 8th, 2019 has any bearing on the future of this franchise. 7. Chicago Bulls: Conor McGregor, Lightweight, Dublin An unorthodox selection here for the Bulls, as McGregor has never demonstrated his abilities on a basketball court. However, as he is currently retired from MMA, McGregor will decide his next best move is to take on the NBA’s best talent in order to prove his dominance in another sport. We project him as a potential sixth man with a ceiling of Arron Afflalo and a floor of David Stockton. 8. Atlanta Hawks: Idi Amin, President for Life, Uganda This pick will be questioned for a number of reasons. First and foremost: Idi Amin died in 2003. Second, Why would the Hawks draft infamous Ugandan dictator and mass-murderer Idi Amin to play basketball for them? Third, even if he were alive, would his inconsistent jumper be able to transition to the next level? Nonetheless, the Hawks will select Amin with the 8th overall pick. 9. Washington Wizards: China Jimmer, G, Shanghai Sharks Now, what is unique about this selection is that the Wizards will be adamant about the fact that they specifically selected China Jimmer. That is, the version of Jimmer Fredette that led the CBA in points per game and dropped 75 in a single night, not the Jimmer that flamed out with the Knicks after playing just 2 bench minutes. 10. Atlanta Hawks: Zion Williamson (Moses Malone), F, Duke Atlanta won’t let the controversy stop them from receiving the rights to one of the most talented college players in years. Although the scandal and potential consequences will be looming for the 63-year-old Moses Malone, the Hawks couldn’t help themselves here. If he is allowed to play basketball on an NBA court, Williamson will be the most dominating force out of college since LeBron. An extraordinary value pick for the Hawks front office. 11. Minnesota Timberwolves: Eric Carle, G, Stuttgart State Academy of Fine Arts Savvy draft experts will be quick to heap praise upon Minnesota’s selection of Eric Carle, the author of The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 12. Charlotte Hornets: The Rights to Yovel Zoosman, F, Maccabi Tel Aviv The Hornets go international here by drafting one of Israeli basketball’s rising stars. A decent selection, but somewhat confusing as Jarrett Culver will, at this point, be pacing around the Barclays Center parking lot holding a half empty bottle of vodka. 13. Washington Redskins: Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State The Redskins manage to draft their quarterback of the future without moving an inch in the draft order. This is a dream scenario for Washington, since everyone was positive Haskins would be up on the stage in a New York Giants ball cap. A+ pick for the Redskins at number 13. 14. Boston Celtics: Davide Moretti, G, Texas Tech By selecting his markedly less talented college teammate, the Celtics have caused Jarrett Culver to slowly begin dowsing all of the cars in the parking lot with gasoline. He begins to draw out a lighter from his suit pocket when pick #15 is announced on the stadium PA system. 15. Detroit Pistons: Andrew Yang, Democrat, Brown Silence. In the distance, smoke. Car alarms. Fire truck sirens. Jarrett has disappeared into the humid New York night; the lone soul floating in a sea of madness. 16. Orlando Magic: Bol Bol, C, Oregon 17. Brooklyn Nets: Bobby Moynihan, F, UConn 18. Indiana Pacers: Rick Allen, the One-Armed Drummer from Def Leppard 19. San Antonio Spurs: D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss 20. Orlando Magic (trade w/ Boston): Tacko Fall, C, UCF 21. Oklahoma City Thunder: Cuba Gooding Jr., G, NYU 22. Boston Celtics: Cam Reddish, F, Duke 23. Utah Jazz: Mitt Romney, Republican, Harvard Law 24. Philadelphia 76ers: Someone with a Future Foot Injury, G/F/C, Good Program University 25. Portland Trail Blazers: Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, President of Turkey, Turkey 26. Cleveland Cavaliers: Bruno Fernando, C, Maryland 27. Brooklyn Nets: Zaire Wade, G, American Heritage HS 28. Golden State Warriors: Benjamin Elkins, Editor-in-Chief, TMC 29. San Antonio Spurs: Thank you for still reading 30. Milwaukee Bucks: Jarrett Culver, G, Texas Tech As always, if their name is on here we probably used their Wikipedia page as a reference, so shout out to Wikipedia. Also shoutout to Tommy Beer of Forbes.com who was the first actual mock draft we researched so we could see the order and some random players.

  • Ranking All March Madness Teams by Strength of Mascot

    By Noah Stern: In honor of the first weekend of March Madness, we at the Milking Cat would like to present our definitive rankings of all 64 NCAA competing tournament teams (yes, even though many of them have been eliminated already). Rankings will be based on how dominant a school’s mascot would be on the court. First, a couple of ground rules: A mascots strength will be defined in many ways throughout the listing, but mainly, the rankings will be determined based on a mascots ability to win by any means necessary. Second, it is important to note that even though some teams have their team names/mascot in a plural sense, (i.e Yale Bulldogs), mascots will be represented and judged by just one unit of themselves. For example, instead of having 300 Michigan State Spartans who could probably run away with this thing, Michigan State will have only one Spartan who would probably just get mauled by a bear. So without further ado, let’s start off the list: #64. Syracuse Orange Starting off this list, we don’t think any mascot would be less effective on the court than a literal orange. Oranges are known in most fruit basketball leagues for their streaky shooting and lack of hustle. #63. Ohio State Buckeyes According to the official Ohio State website, a buckeye is a “small, shiny, dark brown nut.” Haha, a nut. #62. Maryland Terrapins A terrapin is a small turtle and is officially defined as “edible” by the Oxford dictionary. Needless to say, a real terrapin would not succeed on the hardwood. #61. Louisville Cardinals A cardinal is a robust, seed eating bird. Fun fact: they have been observed to suppress the West Nile virus. However, this in no way makes them good at basketball. #60. Kansas Jayhawks What even is a Jayhawk? #59. Oregon Ducks Ducks are known for their small size and quick dribble moves, but unfortunately do not have the stamina or durability to last through a Division 1 Men’s Basketball Tournament. #58. Virginia Tech Hokies Rounding out the bird section are the VA Tech Hokies. A hokie(?) appears to be a muscular, turkey-ish bird that most likely would be eaten by some other larger mascot. #57. UC Irvine Anteaters The male anteater’s genitalia are located internally between the rectum and the bladder. #56. Wofford Terriers Terriers are generally very small dogs, and the largest, the bull terrier, is that yucky looking target dog. #55. Yale Bulldogs While there are several bulldog mascots represented in the tournament, we feel that the weakest bulldog would have to be the one from Yale. Considering mascots are a reflection on the school they represent, frankly put, this bulldog would most likely be an entitled caucasian canine or an overachieving mathematically-gifted bulldog of Asian descent. #54. Mississippi State Bulldogs A bulldog from Mississippi would, statistically, experience some of the nation’s worst health care services and infrastructure, be born to an unmarried mother, and be more likely to develop heart disease. #53. Gonzaga Bulldogs A bulldog from Spokane, Washington would probably have a cool, Pacific West Coast vibe that the other mascots would dig. #52. Gardner Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs This mascot leads us to believe that the bulldogs from before were either jogging, walking, or not moving at all. This lack of frequent exercise may contribute to the Mississippi bulldog’s heart condition. #51. Northeastern Huskies Huskies are pretty cool dogs, making them better than the bulldogs but not good enough to defeat a human. #50. Washington Huskies Washington is closer to Alaska, the ancestral homeland of the husky, therefore this dog would be stronger than a Northeastern Husky on the court. #49. Purdue Boilermakers Finally, at the bottom of the human group are the Purdue Boilermakers. A boilermaker is a steel fabricator. At The Milking Cat, we have to assume that a person who assembles parts of trains probably worked in an Industrial Revolution era factory and has severe respiratory issues, making them a liability in the paint. #48. New Mexico State Aggies An Aggie is a student at an agricultural college. We believe that the average agricultural enthusiast is not good at basketball. #47. Utah State Aggies Utah is better in agriculture than New Mexico by virtue of not being a desert, so by default, their agricultural students must be superior. #46. & #45. Iona Gaels & Saint Mary’s (Cal) Gaels We couldn’t decide which person of Irish descent would be best with a ball, but it is safe to say that the common Irishman, who is statistically 5’10 and Catholic, would not have the court vision to make it in the Big Dance. #44. Tennessee Volunteers If you Volunteer to play, you must at least be pretty decent, but unfortunately the average person from Tennessee probably could not out-rebound a golden eagle and other mascots further down the list. #43. Oklahoma Sooners The term Sooner is derived from a group of eager pioneers that settled the land that is now Oklahoma. That’s cute and all, but modern medicine renders these dysentery-ridden fools obsolete. #42. Murray State Racers The average sprinter would be able to avoid most of the other mascots looking to maim/dismember them, however we are not confident they could not put up enough points to win. Sorry Ja Morant fans. #41. Northern Kentucky Norse The average Scandinavian is actually a pretty tall and hardy individual. One could even assume that the Norse mascot is meant to really mean a Viking. However, most of the animal mascots in the tournament are North American, unfamiliar to the Norse’s now crippled hunting sense. #40. Wisconsin Badgers Badgers are very cool animals but their largest prey is the hedgehog, meaning that any armed human or large animal could defeat it. #39. VCU Rams The Rams sounds like a good idea for a mascot until you see the animal in real life. #38. North Carolina Tar Heels Giving North Carolina the benefit of the the doubt, we’re going to say that a tar heel is just a ram since that’s what their actual mascot is at games. However, if a Tar Heel is just some dude with tar on his heel, then UNC should be closer to the Aggies section. #37. Bradley Braves Going off of the background of other teams insensitively named “Braves,” we can assume that a Brave is a Native American. Known for keeping in good shape, being athletic, and inventing lacrosse, we believe a Native American would have a good shot at the title. #36. Iowa Hawkeyes There’s no great answer for what a hawkeye is but we think they were named after a Native American chief so let’s go with that. It’s also a little racist, but due to its ambiguous meaning, less so than “Braves”. #35. Florida State Seminoles Like all other people from Florida, Native Americans from Florida would most likely have nothing to lose and be coked up out of their minds, making them more dangerous than the indigenous peoples from Iowa or wherever Bradley is. #34. North Dakota State Bison Native Americans cared too much about the Bison population to kill them, hence they rank behind the Bisons, but all of the other Caucasian, destiny-manifesting mascots don’t care about the sacred balance between humans and the animals they share land with. They came here for the rings, baby. #33. Ole Miss Rebels Not gonna do much research here but judging by the history of Mississippi we think it’s safe to say that this is probably a Confederate soldier with a rifle that is slow to reload. #32. Colgate Raiders A “Raider” here is going to be defined as a good, old fashioned 16th century pirate, too confused and drunk to be able to achieve much on the floor. #31. Texas Tech Red Raiders Like the Colgate ones but with the added bonus of...being red? #30. Virginia Cavaliers A Cavalier isn’t as cool as a knight but we think they’re generally the same thing. #29. Fairleigh Dickinson Knights A knight’s armor weighed around 110 lbs. While this is good for self preservation, we think this would be too heavy to allow this nobleman to sky for any rebounds. #28. UCF Knights Like the Seminoles before them, Knights from Florida would have the added bonus of being coked up out of their minds #27. Michigan Wolverines For the sake of realism we have to assume that Hugh Jackman isn’t going to be running around the court slicing that stupid Syracuse Orange to pieces. #26, #25, #24, & #23. Kansas State Wildcats, Villanova Wildcats, Kentucky Wildcats, & Abilene Christian Wildcats Way to be original, guys. #22. Buffalo Bulls We’re pretty confident a bull could mess up any of the previous humans/wildcats. Not many people know just how massive cows are, but, like, they’re freaking huge. #21. Michigan State Spartans Just look up facts about Spartans and tell us one of them couldn’t destroy those other guys. #20. Houston Cougars Once again, for the sake of realism we have to assume this won’t be an attractive woman in her fifties trying to seduce all of the Aggies. #19. Vermont Catamounts A catamount is basically a panther, so this cat amounts to number 19 on the list. #18. Georgia State Panthers A panther from Georgia would, statistically, make around $53,000 per year and work in fabrics/textiles. #17. Florida Gators The alligator is nature’s perfect killing machine, having been untouched by evolution for centuries. Unfortunately, their short arms make them poor defenders in open space. #16. Auburn Tigers Tigers have no natural predators and can run at speeds of 55(!) miles an hour. They have also been known to hunt and kill crocodiles. #15. LSU Tigers A tiger from Louisiana would have the added bonus of knowing how to party. #14. Seton Hall Pirates A Somali Pirate with an AK-47 would be hard for any of these previous animals to defeat since they can’t really sneak up on him in a gymnasium. #13. Belmont Bruins Bears can approach speeds of 40 mph and are the main reason that American schools should arm teachers. #12. Baylor Bears Everything’s bigger in Texas, including (most likely) this bear. #11. Old Dominion Monarchs The Monarch is depicted as a bear wearing a crown. One has to assume the other bears would bow down to it. #10. Nevada State Wolfpack As we enter the top ten, we have to acknowledge the sly way Nevada State creates a competitive advantage. One wolf would get destroyed by a bear, but one wolf pack (which can contain up to 15 wolves) would probably be able to take down even the king of bears. #9. Montana Grizzlies The Joe Rogan podcast has convinced us that grizzly bears are the single scariest things on the planet. #8. Cincinnati Bearcats All the strength and raw power of a bear, combined with the dexterity and precision of a cat? Well played Cincinnati, well played. #7. Liberty Flames No matter the size of the flame, a basketball court is made out of wood and would soon become a fiery death trap for everyone but the final six competitors. #6. Minnesota Golden Gophers The melting point of gold is 1,948℉. A gopher made out of solid gold would be impervious to bullets and bear attacks. #5. Marquette Golden Eagles As the only natural predator to the golden gopher, the golden eagle possesses all the incredible predatory instincts of the eagle combined with the incredible impenetrability that comes with being made out of gold. #4. Iowa State Cyclones A full tropical cyclone would wreak absolute havoc on a basketball court. The only mascots that could possibly contend would have to be straight out of mythology. #3. Saint Louis Billikens We know what you’re thinking: “Does the top 3 really start with whatever the hell a Billiken is? Furthermore, just what even is a Billiken?” Well, loyal reader (who definitely didn’t skip down to the bottom of the list), a Billiken is a mythical figure that represents good luck. As such, we have to assume that it is some form of minor god and is therefore immortal. The Billiken would be able to defeat any Earthly opposition from the likes of wild predatory felines to golden gophers. #2. Duke Blue Devils Duke really has to be good at everything tournament related, huh? It is safe to say that the devil himself would be quite the challenge to stop on the hardwood. From his insanely quick first step, to his command of the underworld, and to his defensive hustle, El Diablo would put on a show. #1. Arizona State Sun Devils Finally, at number one is a devil that can harness the full power of the sun. This devil would completely eradicate the entirety of this list, especially Duke’s devil (which in comparison only has the ability to harness the power of...blue?). Wow, knowing you could pick an all-powerful sun-wielding mega demon for a mascot sure makes Syracuse and Ohio State look real dumb right now.

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